Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thunder only happens when it's raining..Players only love you when they're playin..

   Hot cashier: "Would you like cash back?" Me: "Id rather have your phone number." Yep it worked.

   not addicted to cocaine, he just likes the way it smells.

   Time lives forever so how can the Mayans predict Time when Time existed long before they even started to make a calender....That's like Snooki saying she'll look hot 103 years from now.

   Considering that not one of those Three Wise Men bothered to bring a crib or diapers for Baby Jesus, they should simply be known as 3 Dudes.

   I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob. Algebra's awesome!

   You know its tax season when people start posting pictures of their rent money

   :Where do all the balls go after they neuter your animals?

   UHHHHHHHH!!!.....UHHHHHHHH!!!!.....UHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!....UHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Oh, sorry; just playing tennis with myself.

   money is not the root of all evil. The LOVE OF MONEY is the root of all evil. Big difference.

   The ABC's to a good marriage: Air conditioning, Beer, Could you shut up for a damn minute so I can enjoy my air conditioning & beer?!!

   "A car with a spoiler is approaching." - Spoiler Alert

   Every time I see the car commercial with the family singing Crazy Train, I wonder if Ozzy Osbourne thinks to himself, "Azsedgbhnmiolp!"

   Too bad the Russians couldn't influence the vote in the House today. Trump might have a chance to win if they could.

   Trump is researching if he has the power to kick Rosie O'Donnell out of the USA. Um, shouldn't he be focused on better and more important issues? He has some weird priorities.

   “I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

   The only reason I am fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality

   How does the Little Mermaid decide which sea creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra?

   b votin fo hillary dog. o we gon lose woopie yall

   I'll tell you. White privilege didn't exist in the high school Phys. Ed. locker room when the bIack guys were around.