Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   imagine asking the incredible hulk to open a pickle jar?

   My boss just said can you come in my office. It turns out we meant different things

   my car has hair growing out of the tires, is that ok??

   brains are like modems....some people can think fast like they are high speed internet....some ppl are slow thinkers like they are dial-up....other ppl have lost connection

   a cheap little bb gun, sometimes it shoots to the right, sometimes it shoots to the left, and sometime it doesn't work at all. Kinda like a politician!

   My right hand dumped me and my left hand found someone else.

   My kids got in a fist fight while playing one of those claw machines at the pizza joint & sh@t like that is why I'm never sober.

   If you ever had two phone lines in the 90s, one just for the internet, then you might still be addicted to the internet.

   It takes 17 muscles to smile, 43 to frown and 0 to not give a damn.

   I got stopped by a lady doing a survey today. She said, "What household chore annoys you the most?" I said, "Having to turn down the telly to tell my wife to do the hoovering."

   "It's not you, it's me." Man I hate sorting out photos with my twin brother.

   will be sponsoring a 0.25 mile fun run to raise awareness for people that I wish would just GO AWAY! I'm calling it the Kardashian Dash!

   Houston we are ready for lunch -Hilarious NASA launch technician that everyone hates

   Sad thing about the Twitter and Facebook youth = Draw Something lasted longer than #Kony2012 

   I use sarcasm because beating the crap out of people is in fact frowned upon in most societies

   In our "family" NCAA Final Four Challenge, my 9 year old has won the last 2 years. Is it wrong that I just copied her bracket right after she went to bed?

   There's a difference between being funny and being annoying.

   I proposed to myself at a restaurant last night and not a single person clapped... heartless b@stards!

   I wish I had a Strategic Beer Reserve to tap into.

   I was watching the news & saw poor people being busted for illegal mood-altering drugs. Then came all those commercials for the legal ones.