Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty sure I got my sense of humor from my mother because when I was 10 years old my Dad said he sent her to the funny farm.

   When my dog is acting up, I point at North Korea on the map as I walk into the kitchen. I'm like the Dog Whisperer but not g@y.

   I was dating a Siamese twin but she caught me screwin her sister behind her back

   Sometimes you gotta cut a person loose to see if they bounce.

   somedays it hardly seems worth it to chew through the leather straps

   I just had to think to remember how to write a capital "P", so if anyone needs a tutor for their kid or anything, hit me up.

   Always be positive........except on a drug test........

   all that gym work and Ive got the 6 pack abs....olutely nothing to show it!

   "Who's that?" "What are they doing?" "What's happening?" ; "Shut the hell up and watch the movie ffs".

   I like to go on OK Cupid and find the worst possible matches for myself and message them being like "We can make this work."

   You can't rush greatness.

   I will have my arms get ripped off before making another trip to the car after coming home from the grocery store.

   there is love and friendship then there is declaring love and friendship on Facebook, two totally different worlds that seldom are one.

   naming your daughter Penny is setting the bar a little low, isn't it?

   Can't believe Toys R Us closed down in the city. Now where am I to get my Nerf bullet refills? I have an inflatable family to protect dammit !!

   I hate when women look at me as a sex object.. Girl, objects don't move the way I do... ;)

   If your bio says “Single and looking for fun” you better be ugly or we'll know you're sp@m. Pretty women don't look for fun… fun finds them.

   Eagles deflated tom brady

   I don't care about rules because I'm a rebel, man. Yesterday I got on a bus and I stood in front of the white line and talked to the driver about Fight Club while the bus was moving.

   "Hello ICE? There are people speaking spanish in NYC."