Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just had to think to remember how to write a capital "P", so if anyone needs a tutor for their kid or anything, hit me up.

   Always be positive........except on a drug test........

   all that gym work and Ive got the 6 pack abs....olutely nothing to show it!

   "Who's that?" "What are they doing?" "What's happening?" ; "Shut the hell up and watch the movie ffs".

   I like to go on OK Cupid and find the worst possible matches for myself and message them being like "We can make this work."

   You can't rush greatness.

   I will have my arms get ripped off before making another trip to the car after coming home from the grocery store.

   there is love and friendship then there is declaring love and friendship on Facebook, two totally different worlds that seldom are one.

   naming your daughter Penny is setting the bar a little low, isn't it?

   Can't believe Toys R Us closed down in the city. Now where am I to get my Nerf bullet refills? I have an inflatable family to protect dammit !!

   I hate when women look at me as a sex object.. Girl, objects don't move the way I do... ;)

   If your bio says “Single and looking for fun” you better be ugly or we'll know you're sp@m. Pretty women don't look for fun… fun finds them.

   Eagles deflated tom brady

   All this talk about egg rolls is making me hungry for Chinese foood.

   My wife said I should stop using Facebook and take her to shopping, or else she'll hit my head on keyboard, but haha who caresbggsshhdggdhbgshhnnxggsgsbbie...

   I thought Hurricane Harvey was the miss Universe thing

   Final Brexit tally is in: 48% Sense and Sensibility, 52% Pride and Prejudice.

   Mommy Mommy , I don't want to go see grandma .. Shut up and keep digging !

   After Trump Implodes: Twitter will become so boring, all we'll have is Kardashian/Swift feuds.

   Now Trump is accusing Obama of being the founder of NSYNC. Which in some ways is even more offensive.