Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I use sarcasm because beating the crap out of people is in fact frowned upon in most societies

   In our "family" NCAA Final Four Challenge, my 9 year old has won the last 2 years. Is it wrong that I just copied her bracket right after she went to bed?

   There's a difference between being funny and being annoying.

   I proposed to myself at a restaurant last night and not a single person clapped... heartless b@stards!

   I wish I had a Strategic Beer Reserve to tap into.

   I was watching the news & saw poor people being busted for illegal mood-altering drugs. Then came all those commercials for the legal ones.

   My update for the week. See you next week.

   chutes and ladders prepared me for lifes disappointments. They should have called it..Your jobs gonna suck

   what happened to all the good girls nowadays ? it's like looking water in the desert .

   Hopes her status is now fixed so she can back to her false reality that she is popular;)

   Dear Lord, give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

   F I win the..$US- 640 mega millions JACKPOT..Im Building a Death Star..well down payment to start it any ways..!!

   Good: Random acts of kindness… Better: Random acts of sexual kindness.

   a dying grandma told her grandson, "I have left you a farm with all the tools, animals, licences and 5million euros to your name". Dumbfounded the grandson said "WOW, you are so kind...I didn't know you had a farm, where is it". "Facebook" she said!

   Justin Bieber's new single "Boyfriend" is a first of sorts, with the song-lyrics being written as if she were a man.

   Nothing better than coming home from work, pop open a beer and watch the dog drag a$$ on the carpet.

   Revenge is a dish best served without bacon.

   I comb my hair using a fork and start talking about astrology to myself each time I see a Jehovahs Witness walking towards me in a restaurant.

   my mind never wonders but my hands do ;)

   A man lying in bed facing his wife, looks into her eyes and says, "Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery babe", She replies "You mean I'm worth millions?" He says "No I wish you would roll over !"