Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   F I win the..$US- 640 mega millions JACKPOT..Im Building a Death Star..well down payment to start it any ways..!!

   Good: Random acts of kindness… Better: Random acts of sexual kindness.

   a dying grandma told her grandson, "I have left you a farm with all the tools, animals, licences and 5million euros to your name". Dumbfounded the grandson said "WOW, you are so kind...I didn't know you had a farm, where is it". "Facebook" she said!

   Justin Bieber's new single "Boyfriend" is a first of sorts, with the song-lyrics being written as if she were a man.

   Nothing better than coming home from work, pop open a beer and watch the dog drag a$$ on the carpet.

   Revenge is a dish best served without bacon.

   I comb my hair using a fork and start talking about astrology to myself each time I see a Jehovahs Witness walking towards me in a restaurant.

   my mind never wonders but my hands do ;)

   A man lying in bed facing his wife, looks into her eyes and says, "Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery babe", She replies "You mean I'm worth millions?" He says "No I wish you would roll over !"

   "they judge me before they even know me, that's why I'm better off alone" - Shrek

   Times like these you know who your true girlfriends are

   Mirror - "Ooh you look cute today!" Camara - "Lol, no."

   I don't always wear boxers, but when I do it's brief.

   The political frustrations of this week remind me how happy I am to have allegiance to greater kingdom.

   I was delivered by C-section. I wasn't worthy of an A or even a B-section.

   I'm pretty sure I got my sense of humor from my mother because when I was 10 years old my Dad said he sent her to the funny farm.

   When my dog is acting up, I point at North Korea on the map as I walk into the kitchen. I'm like the Dog Whisperer but not g@y.

   I was dating a Siamese twin but she caught me screwin her sister behind her back

   Sometimes you gotta cut a person loose to see if they bounce.

   somedays it hardly seems worth it to chew through the leather straps