Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tell me about your day honey - Newlyweds

   Can't we just agree that disagreeing is what we agree on?

   My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house. My wife was furious.

   What insensitive jerk called it a "lisp" and not a "lithp"?

   The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the stong, but that's the way to bet.

   Have you seen the infomercial for the hair removal thingy called, "NO-NO"? No wonder there haven't been any recent Bigfoot sightings!!!

   At the end of the new Adam Sandler movie they don't roll the credits they roll the blames.

   Happy Triskaidekaphobia Day!!! and a full moon to add to it

   HER: This is an emergency, so its women and children first! ME: Lady, it's just a breakfast buffet...

   I ain't saying your girl gonna cheat on you but for 1000 likes on Instagram anything is possible.

   I'm so thankful that we live in a time where there is a social media platform for each one of my personalities

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, stalk them.

   I am the type of person who would find having super powers a real hassle

   "Half a Dozen", because saying "six" was just too difficult.

   Life insurance? Why? So my wife's new boyfriend can get a trampoline?

   Dave Coulier's wedding turns into a full house of I don't give a F#Ck. . . . . .

   3-year-old conversion factor: 1 chicken strip = 1/2 bottle of ketchup

   If you need to cancel your service with Comcast, I suggest getting Liam Neeson to handle it

   If there's a wrong way, I'll find it

   I am sorry I had to UNLIKE all your pics after my girlfriend read me the riot act.