Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trust me on this one. Ever notice when first meeting a woman the first thing she does is size up a mans crotch. . .

   Warm weather brings all the crackheads out.

   Women have 2 guys in their life.. The one they are screwing, and the one they should be screwing.

   A good man is really hard to find.. When all you're looking for are the bad ones.

   Tell me about your day honey - Newlyweds

   Can't we just agree that disagreeing is what we agree on?

   My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house. My wife was furious.

   What insensitive jerk called it a "lisp" and not a "lithp"?

   The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the stong, but that's the way to bet.

   Have you seen the infomercial for the hair removal thingy called, "NO-NO"? No wonder there haven't been any recent Bigfoot sightings!!!

   At the end of the new Adam Sandler movie they don't roll the credits they roll the blames.

   Happy Triskaidekaphobia Day!!! and a full moon to add to it

   HER: This is an emergency, so its women and children first! ME: Lady, it's just a breakfast buffet...

   I ain't saying your girl gonna cheat on you but for 1000 likes on Instagram anything is possible.

   I'm so thankful that we live in a time where there is a social media platform for each one of my personalities

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, stalk them.

   I am the type of person who would find having super powers a real hassle

   "Half a Dozen", because saying "six" was just too difficult.

   Life insurance? Why? So my wife's new boyfriend can get a trampoline?

   Dave Coulier's wedding turns into a full house of I don't give a F#Ck. . . . . .