Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey guys, let's start a Ninja Club. First rule of Ninja Club is....wait, where the heck did everybody go?

   Awkward: Your cell phone going off full volume at a funeral. Even more awkward: Your ringtone being, "I Will Survive"

   Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes sex drive by 95% - it's called Wedding Cake

   My coffee started talking to me this morning and all I could think was, "This is NOT how I like my women."

   My man was wearing a ducati jacket riding on a suzuki... thats like having a benz keychain on a hyundai.

   It's so hot my watermelon melted.

   Edward Scissorhands was beaten mercilessly by the school bully, Edward Rockhands

   My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

   hmm I think i'll have a small snack *eats an apple, a packet of cookies, a small couch, the whole living room, a saudi arabian family of 4*

   Whenever I see old men on the beach with metal detectors, it makes me kind of sad. Can't you vultures just let Robocop enjoy his vacation?

   Are raccoons supposed to be inside or outside cats?

   I had a Chris Brown joke saved up but it looks like somebody already beat me to the punch.

   My girlfriend fell out of the bed naked last night...Does the 5 second rule still apply?

   We're here today to witness the union of two special people. The lasers we use to fuse them together are very powerful,,,, so goggles on please

   When I voted I wrote Abraham Lincoln in for president and Bill Clinton in for Vice President , Because 2 things this country has Too much of is vampires and ho'z !!

   i think before a member of congress makes a speech they should be drunk ....that way they wont lie

   Apparently the Colorado and Washington girl scouts are adding a new brand or cookie for sale this year. Apparently its a cheeto's flavored brand called "Baker's delight."

   Typical lol, how all of Boston is on lockdown and businesses are close, except for the Dunken doughnuts which is mandated to run for the duration of the Manhunt!

   Now everyone in America is gonna want a yard boat

   Fun thing to do # 58: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you're the valet. 3. Say yes.