Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife says; "If your fantasy is to have 2 women in bed you cn forget it because I won't do it!" Me; "You wasn't one of the two in the fantasy anyway so, I am good with that." Wife; (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   How the hell do you call Batman during the day? A: the bat phone, duh

   When I voted I wrote Abraham Lincoln in for president and Bill Clinton in for Vice President , Because 2 things this country has Too much of is vampires and ho'z !!

   i think before a member of congress makes a speech they should be drunk ....that way they wont lie

   Apparently the Colorado and Washington girl scouts are adding a new brand or cookie for sale this year. Apparently its a cheeto's flavored brand called "Baker's delight."

   Its cute when a slut demands respect. B!tch the only thing your are getting is an STD.

   italian food has many pastabilities...

   I bought the wife a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel...

   Guys like it when girls go commando, so I assassinated a Nicaraguan dictator.

   a relationship between two person should be like the relationship between the hand and the eye. If the hand gets hurt, the eye cries, and if the eye cries, the hand wipes its tear.

   Typical lol, how all of Boston is on lockdown and businesses are close, except for the Dunken doughnuts which is mandated to run for the duration of the Manhunt!

   Now everyone in America is gonna want a yard boat

   Fun thing to do # 58: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you're the valet. 3. Say yes.

   What the world needs now...is more toilet paper...because there is just too much bullsh*t floating around.

   Free range chicken, because freedom is delicious.

   Step 1: Invite guys for big game Step 2: Slowly lower volume Step 3: Sneak in teacups Step 4: Eventually turn off TV Step 5: TEA PARTY!

   what if "Gangnam Style" is just giant rain dance and brought hurricane Sandy upon America?

   Ok......I don't think this Black Friday thing is working. I'm still white?

   If you support traditional marriage you are not welcome in Chicago and Boston. "Don't judge me, but if you don't agree with me I will label you a bigot."

   ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?