Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

   Quick- does anyone know where I can get one of those undercover cop cars? This is important.

   I look around when talking to someone because lets face it direct eye contact is weird sometimes!

   I wonder how many times Paula Deen's 1st husband plotted to kill her in her sleep, only to be foiled by his own laughter at her sleep farts.

   Hey guys, let's start a Ninja Club. First rule of Ninja Club is....wait, where the heck did everybody go?

   Awkward: Your cell phone going off full volume at a funeral. Even more awkward: Your ringtone being, "I Will Survive"

   Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes sex drive by 95% - it's called Wedding Cake

   My coffee started talking to me this morning and all I could think was, "This is NOT how I like my women."

   My man was wearing a ducati jacket riding on a suzuki... thats like having a benz keychain on a hyundai.

   It's so hot my watermelon melted.

   Edward Scissorhands was beaten mercilessly by the school bully, Edward Rockhands

   My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

   Men, if you aren't prepared to hear all about my ex, don't ask me how I'm doing…

   A kick in the nuts is above 9000 del (units) of pain, which is similar to giving birth to 160 kids and breaking up to 3200 bones at a time

   hmm I think i'll have a small snack *eats an apple, a packet of cookies, a small couch, the whole living room, a saudi arabian family of 4*

   Whenever I see old men on the beach with metal detectors, it makes me kind of sad. Can't you vultures just let Robocop enjoy his vacation?

   Are raccoons supposed to be inside or outside cats?

   I had a Chris Brown joke saved up but it looks like somebody already beat me to the punch.

   My girlfriend fell out of the bed naked last night...Does the 5 second rule still apply?

   We're here today to witness the union of two special people. The lasers we use to fuse them together are very powerful,,,, so goggles on please