Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marilyn Monroe was blessed with the gift of being the most ferocious slut of her generation, remember lasdies...don't waste that special gift!

   Listen ladies, you know men are not faithful so how bout giving us some tips on how to cheat properly because ya'll the best at it anyway.

   I wish my gps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

   It's so hot here, gangsters are doing drive bys with squirt guns.

   Every time an angel has a menstrual cycle a maxipad gets its wings

   "I just want to sit on your Face" ~ is that being to forward?

   On a scale of 1 to Osama Bin Ladin, how good was my hiding spot??

   Eminem made a better Superman than Nolan.

   Welcome to Vegas,,,,,, Where what you don't know about your bedspread won't hurt you..

   Today 9/6 marks the end of my 7 years of bad luck for breaking a mirror. just like this one here......oops, Oh crap, not again.

   I remember waking up after my first wet dream....I thought a ghost had came in and gave me a handjob.

   I didn't lose my faith, I found reality.

   Someone needs to remind men in their 40s that tucking the T-shirt into their jeans does not make them look any younger.

   I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.

   Happy Mothers Day!..Thank You Dad for not Pulling Out!

   Remember to wish your dad a happy Father's Day, as well as thanking him for not wiping you up in a tissue.

   late at night, when everyone is sleeping, I fill up the bath tub with marinara sauce and pretend that I am a meatball.

   I had to take a lie detector test at a job interview once. No I didn't.

   Never underestimate a Cat 1 Hurricane: I've never seen a situation involving one cat, water & a blow dryer end well..

   It's easy to call it TrumpDontCare - so let's go with it.