Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everybody out there, have lots of sex

   Express lanes should have signs banning old people and people paying with food stamps.

   To America's welfare recipients ..."your welcome for a great year and a free Christmas".. From the rest of us hard working Americans slaving away every freakin' Day to provide for your well being.

   BREAKING: Trump cancels annual Easter Egg Roll, claims he "doesn't care for Chinese food".

   Paul Mccartney just won the Gold medal in old.

   So the baby was watching Dora The Explorer today. For some reason, they were making donkey noises. My first thought was Dora had been deported and was now in Tijuana doing a "show" with a donkey! Glad I was wrong.

   life is too short to date ugly men!!!

   BREAKING NEWS: Rudolph commits suicide after Santa upgrades to GPS

   if you dont like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!

   n't having a smoking section in a restaurant, like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

   we know its women's day today so ladies will you stop flooding facebook with ur stupid updates and liking other women updates.. its not your birthday

   Hey girl I want you to lay in my bed and pretend your knees hate eachother

   is thinkin'....Hey Charmin...I'm not a bear...my family and I DON'T get toilet paper stuck on our butts when we wipe....can you PLEASE think of a new ad campaign.... No. For Real. This one sucks...and it's starting to make me boycott EVER buying Charmin.

   How would there be a lot of confused babies whose dad's screwed each other? Did the Supreme Court overturn nature and allowed same-sex conception too?

   Sorry you live in a U.S. state that considers gay rights to be more harmful than tobacco.

   Sorry I yelled GET A ROOM when your grandma was hugging your grandpa's coffin.

   greatest pickup line ever: "Some of my friends were talking about some video game and I don't want to sound like a loser in front of them.. so what's Black Ops?"

   "You can't have your cake and eat it too." - People who obviously don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake

   kill illuminati. they want my soul, my mind, and my body.

   I bet people don't even wear capes in Cape Town.