Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wise man:"Some girls beg, some girls borrow. Some girls lead & some girls follow. Some bring joy & some bring sorrow, but the best girls just suck & swallow!"

   Has a dream that one day, all women will be judged not by the content of their character but by the contents of their blouse....

   I shot someone with a starting pistol.I've been charged with race crimes

   Seriously! How do they train the animals look so sad in those ASPCA commercials? They are convincing.

   Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

   I miss the days when I could easily guess the password to my parents computer! Now I have to dust for fingerprints to sign in :(

   Thank you Charlotte for bringing all the farm animals together by being the first ever Social Network "Web" Designer.

   Kodak recently filed for bankruptcy after 130 years in business.. I'd like to see the company just reorganize, but we'll see how it goes as the story develops.

   Young guys with beards are always secretly sad when you talk to them & don't compliment their beard.

   My least favorite method of birth control is probably the beaver dam.

   Me: so doc, if I get this lung surgery, will I be able to do a backflip? Doc: yes, of course. Me: awesome, cuz I could never do that before.

   If you worry, you didn't pray... If you prayed, don't worry.

   The best thing about an ultrasound photo is you can tag any guy you've had sex with in it and he'll think you're pregnant & that's his baby.

   You dadburn dumb city folk, ye ain't spose to git' all nervous like when yee hear banjers....... It's when ye don'ts hear 'em is when weez a slipp'in up on ye..... Yeeeea doggy!

   I told my wife "you're like a drug to me." "Aww because you're addicted to me?" she said. "No because you're ruining my life" I replied

   I'm in a band, you've probably seen our posters. We're called missing cat.

   I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you logged into Myspace."

   I heard you're a player. Nice to meet you, I'm the coach

   I never know the proper handshake to give a black guy wearing a suit

   I only trust people that like big butts, they cannot lie...