Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember waking up after my first wet dream....I thought a ghost had came in and gave me a handjob.

   I didn't lose my faith, I found reality.

   Someone needs to remind men in their 40s that tucking the T-shirt into their jeans does not make them look any younger.

   I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.

   Happy Mothers Day!..Thank You Dad for not Pulling Out!

   Remember to wish your dad a happy Father's Day, as well as thanking him for not wiping you up in a tissue.

   late at night, when everyone is sleeping, I fill up the bath tub with marinara sauce and pretend that I am a meatball.

   I had to take a lie detector test at a job interview once. No I didn't.

   Never underestimate a Cat 1 Hurricane: I've never seen a situation involving one cat, water & a blow dryer end well..

   Remember, Eat Your School, Stay in Drugs &&& Don't Do Vegetables?.......Wait........

   I disagree... It's going to be a Great Friday!

   I hope we have a good weekend before the end of the world !!

   BOY: Hey dad I got a girlfriend DAD: Good job son! GIRL: Hey daddy I got a boyfriend DAD: Where the hell is my gun?

   @Guys - We appreciate when you keep your condoms within close reach from the bed so we don't spend ten minutes waiting naked while you search the other end of the apartment.

   I took the pledge and will not text while I am driving because it is dangerous! I may check my email, update my Facebook status, make calls, and add appointments to my calendar, but I will NEVER text while I drive. ;)

   I was working out the other day and ''Rolling In The Deep'' came on. I think it was the first time Adele's ever been in a gym.

   If you're water-skiing in the desert and you blow a tire, how many pizzas does it take to shingle a doghouse?

   Never knew if my father would hit us or the bottle!

   Candy Crush just sold for $6 billion in case anyone is looking for a reason to join ISIS

   Adam and Eve had two kids, both boys. But there were new babies born after. This story is in the same book that claims incest is wrong.