Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My least favorite method of birth control is probably the beaver dam.

   Me: so doc, if I get this lung surgery, will I be able to do a backflip? Doc: yes, of course. Me: awesome, cuz I could never do that before.

   If you worry, you didn't pray... If you prayed, don't worry.

   The best thing about an ultrasound photo is you can tag any guy you've had sex with in it and he'll think you're pregnant & that's his baby.

   You dadburn dumb city folk, ye ain't spose to git' all nervous like when yee hear banjers....... It's when ye don'ts hear 'em is when weez a slipp'in up on ye..... Yeeeea doggy!

   I told my wife "you're like a drug to me." "Aww because you're addicted to me?" she said. "No because you're ruining my life" I replied

   I'm in a band, you've probably seen our posters. We're called missing cat.

   I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you logged into Myspace."

   I heard you're a player. Nice to meet you, I'm the coach

   I never know the proper handshake to give a black guy wearing a suit

   I only trust people that like big butts, they cannot lie...

   Marilyn Monroe was blessed with the gift of being the most ferocious slut of her generation, remember lasdies...don't waste that special gift!

   Listen ladies, you know men are not faithful so how bout giving us some tips on how to cheat properly because ya'll the best at it anyway.

   I wish my gps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

   It's so hot here, gangsters are doing drive bys with squirt guns.

   Every time an angel has a menstrual cycle a maxipad gets its wings

   "I just want to sit on your Face" ~ is that being to forward?

   On a scale of 1 to Osama Bin Ladin, how good was my hiding spot??

   Eminem made a better Superman than Nolan.

   Welcome to Vegas,,,,,, Where what you don't know about your bedspread won't hurt you..