Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can read this, congratulations, you're not a moose, unless you are a moose and can read in which case congratulations reading moose!

   Royal baby doesn't even have teeth yet and I can still tell they're gonna be phucked up...

   Her blackened teeth, facial hair and deplorable homemade titty tattoos reminded me once again of why our nation is the greatest in the world.

   My ex-girlfriends favorite bird was the swallow.

   If the Supreme Court sides with marriage equality and tosses out the DOMA there are going to be a lot of butt-hurt people.

   I don't get married because the person I like has been already taken.

   Music becomes my best friend when nobody else understands me.

   Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I'm really disappointed with Bill Gates.

   Did you know that you gotta fight for your right to party?

   Please support our non-profit organization for terminally I'll witnesses and informers, Snitches Get Wishes.

   I respect you. I'm just not IN respect with you.

   I was at the pool and I thought I would try and get away with a sneaky wee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed because he blew his whistle so frigging loud I nearly fell in,!!

   There are so many scams on Facebook now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   Mondays are God's punishment for what you did during the weekend ...

   Got a flannel shirt for the 9th Fathers Day in a row... Thanks honey, cant wait to see what you get me next year!

   Thanks to Bo-flex, I've gone from 'obese' to 'prefer not to say' on my plenty of fish account!

   hates it when I get a chain letter/email and I die the next day.

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to put some whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to

   The people of England paid a heavenly price for the wedding of Cap'n Crunch ,. and didnt even get a lousy t-shirt...

   I can't remember where I put my xanex