Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex-girlfriends favorite bird was the swallow.

   If the Supreme Court sides with marriage equality and tosses out the DOMA there are going to be a lot of butt-hurt people.

   I don't get married because the person I like has been already taken.

   Music becomes my best friend when nobody else understands me.

   Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I'm really disappointed with Bill Gates.

   Did you know that you gotta fight for your right to party?

   Please support our non-profit organization for terminally I'll witnesses and informers, Snitches Get Wishes.

   I respect you. I'm just not IN respect with you.

   I was at the pool and I thought I would try and get away with a sneaky wee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed because he blew his whistle so frigging loud I nearly fell in,!!

   There are so many scams on Facebook now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   OK, I can understand why you're mad at me but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

   Rihanna and Miley Cyrus could learn a great deal from other female musicians who don’t need to be naked to sell their music like Justin Bieber!

   So apparently if you throw leftover cooked rice instead of uncooked rice at the bride during a wedding, you ruin her special day. Who knew.

   I question guys right in the middle of sex, like: 'Are you enjoying this? Have I been courteous & kind? Would you recommend me to a friend if we ever break up?'

   My number is #0. Which is good 'cause I'm from [insert home town] and you probably know it already

   I hate when I put food in the microwave and it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it's cold. Like why you gotta play me like that

   I'm at my neighbor's house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!

   [first date] Why won’t you accept my moms friend request?

   Wow ........ turns out, any Room is a Panic Room .......... when you've had 5 Cups of Coffee and a Bran Muffin!

   *Airplane PA.... "Arrr, this be yer cap'n speaking"... *covers microphone... [muffled] "Dangit Roger,, you have it set on autopirate again"