Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: Wanna go to the make-up store with me? Me: Uuuuuuuhhh no. *This tweet was written from the make-up store*

   There are men in this world who have killed sharks with their bare hands. I can't even touch a picture of a bug in a book.

   I asked my girl, Can we make a baby? She text back and said, Ok... it's not just for money during tax season right?

   Burned 800 calories jogging my memory today.

   If you can read this, congratulations, you're not a moose, unless you are a moose and can read in which case congratulations reading moose!

   Royal baby doesn't even have teeth yet and I can still tell they're gonna be phucked up...

   Her blackened teeth, facial hair and deplorable homemade titty tattoos reminded me once again of why our nation is the greatest in the world.

   My ex-girlfriends favorite bird was the swallow.

   If the Supreme Court sides with marriage equality and tosses out the DOMA there are going to be a lot of butt-hurt people.

   I don't get married because the person I like has been already taken.

   Music becomes my best friend when nobody else understands me.

   Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I'm really disappointed with Bill Gates.

   Did you know that you gotta fight for your right to party?

   Please support our non-profit organization for terminally I'll witnesses and informers, Snitches Get Wishes.

   I respect you. I'm just not IN respect with you.

   I was at the pool and I thought I would try and get away with a sneaky wee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed because he blew his whistle so frigging loud I nearly fell in,!!

   There are so many scams on Facebook now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   Mondays are God's punishment for what you did during the weekend ...

   Got a flannel shirt for the 9th Fathers Day in a row... Thanks honey, cant wait to see what you get me next year!

   Thanks to Bo-flex, I've gone from 'obese' to 'prefer not to say' on my plenty of fish account!