Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I would rather have my balls repetitively stomped on by a woman wearing high heels" -My response to a "Hanson" concert invite-

   What you do when people sing happy birthday to you: 5% - Sing. 10% - Smile. 85% - Sit there like a dumbf#ck trying to figure out what to do.

   Whatever doesn't kill you makes me angrier.

   Instead of thinking outside the box, why dont we get rid of the box?

   What the hell did we do during blow jobs before cell phones?

   If you were mine, your next boyfriend would thank me for straightening your clueless and inexperienced ass out.

   So A-Rod was seen flirting with a female fan during Game 1 of the ALCS. If he hooks up with her, is Raul Ibañez gonna have to come in n finish hitting for him there too???

   The fashion police can eat my white jean shorts!

   Mistakes make you think. They make you realize that sometimes there are no next times, no time outs and no second chances.

   caught sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets. Now I'm gounded.

   Don't you wish, that Kate somehow watched "The Runaway Bride" last night, over-and-over again!!!

   I really hope Osama didnt have a twin brother! ......#worried

   You can't find me cause I'm lost in the music.

   I think I'm going to call in raptured to work on monday

   I have to laugh, so Facebook is now correcting our errors with red squiggly lines, yet spelling Facebook they way they do is wrong?

   "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" - New York City's most hated cab driver

   Just work up from a well deserved nap. Now, I'm well rested to watch some TV once I get home from work.

   This Weekend Me And Some Friends Doing A Reenactment Of The Movie "Hang Over"

   Just tried to make a sweet & adorable YouTube video of my cats, but the project fell apart due to creative differences

   wondering if fat drug dealers sell diet coke