Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my husbands winter wardrobe is 50 shades of grey sweat pants...

   i wonder if Rihanna was watching Twilight when she wrote the lyrics "shine bright like a diamond"

   Men usually have a name for their "man parts". I guess I will call mine "Vinny and Da Two Yutes" :)

   "My boyfriend this. My boyfriend that. My boyfriend is cooler than you. My boyfriend bought me stuff" - girls that I hate

   you know someone it's obsessed with you when you delete them off your fb multiple times and they add you back instantly when you request them again

   I don't need flower scented air freshner, I just need one called "before I s hit..."

   Not enough people realize the value of slacking off.

   She said there was no spark between us, so I tazed her. I'll ask again when she wakes up.

   Thank you so much for waking me up at 7.30 this morning with your text informing me that I may be entitled to compensation for that car accident I had. That must be the one where I lost all memory of the whole day. Just send me a cheque and let me sleep i

   I hope her spirit animal is a spread eagle.

   If you get a recipe from a cannibal make sure it differentiates between ground chuck & ground Chuck.

   Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that, somewhere...

   I am so sorry they can't dislodge my stress ball from your ass :(

   "I would rather have my balls repetitively stomped on by a woman wearing high heels" -My response to a "Hanson" concert invite-

   What you do when people sing happy birthday to you: 5% - Sing. 10% - Smile. 85% - Sit there like a dumbf#ck trying to figure out what to do.

   Whatever doesn't kill you makes me angrier.

   Instead of thinking outside the box, why dont we get rid of the box?

   What the hell did we do during blow jobs before cell phones?

   If you were mine, your next boyfriend would thank me for straightening your clueless and inexperienced ass out.

   So A-Rod was seen flirting with a female fan during Game 1 of the ALCS. If he hooks up with her, is Raul Ibañez gonna have to come in n finish hitting for him there too???