Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what good is my android when my toilets in a dead zone

   Spent a week on a dating website. Apparently “LOL” is the new “I'm too stupid to have real thoughts…”

   I've tried listening, comforting and giving concrete solutions to your problem. Nothing worked. Is it me or your endless PMS?

   Flying free & wrecklesly, Til someone picked up the fly swatter!

   I sure am hungry. I wonder if Chili's has an app for that??

   Does that grudge come in all ages or is it one size fits all?

   The only pain that brings my soul to its knees is hers.

   If Mariah Carey can give birth to twins and still reclaim her toned tummy, surrely I can also get rid of this holiday season beer gut and reclaim my six pack.

   I like big brains and I can not lie.

   FYI: Every year the Justice League puts kryptonite candles on Superman's birthday cake,, just to fool him into thinking he's getting too old..

   ‎The vastness that is the universe is within everyone's grasp, if they but only have the vision to see beyond its infinite yet attainable horizons.(I wanted to see how full of it I could get)

   Maybe someone stole her phone, that's why she hasn't called me in 3 years. Yeah I'm sure that's what it is.

   It's a beautiful day to dwell on the past and blame yourself for things out of your control.

   i dont know what makes you stupid, but it works really well.

   I must be amazing at chatting online; everytime I talk to a girl I leave her speechless.

   In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield.

   My apartment looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.

   I bet if you're a firefly, it must be really hard to get to sleep at night with all that random flashing.

   I'm an inventor. I invent all kinds of sh*t. But some people call it lying...

   After losing Gronkowski to injury and Hernandez for murder, I heard Tom Brady is ecstatic that Tim Tebow will be handling the duty of "tight end" next season. ツ