Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :(

   I like my women like I like my milk. White and fat free

   it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I'm trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.

   Question of the day: Do people eat Tide Pods because Trump is president, or is Trump president because people are dumb enough to eat Tide Pods?

   WORD OF THE DAY: OBAMA. As in: I bought a 12 pack of beer and drank it OBAMA self.

   Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a convicted pedophile. Not me though, I live next to two stunning 12 year olds.

   Marriage should have an expression date!

   The three stages of a relationship: 1. xoxo, 2. xxx & 3. ex

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be "Left rS. 10million in the..."

   I filed a lawsuit against Nabisco for blatant racism. I opened up a box of premium saltines and every one of them was a cracker.

   My ex-wife has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh... if you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean!

   pretty sure God didnt kill your grandpa. he had cancer, its a sickness people die from

   My neighbor came knocking at my door at 2:30 this morning...can you believe that, 2:30 A.M. mad me so mad,,lucky for him I was still up playing my drums!!!

   Jenga is a great way to teach your kids about strategy, patience and 9/11

   never a follower......that's what 'Twits' are for.

   thinks scare-crows should get Nobel prizes because they are out standing in their field

   Midgets smell different things in crowded elevators.

   if you listen very carefuly you can hear Monday sharpen her claws in the distance

   Circus shuts down..Obama leaves office... Coincidence? I think not

   Freedom of Speech has returned to America .... Apparently it is finally now legal once again to make fun of our President after 8 long years.