Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WORD OF THE DAY: OBAMA. As in: I bought a 12 pack of beer and drank it OBAMA self.

   Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a convicted pedophile. Not me though, I live next to two stunning 12 year olds.

   Marriage should have an expression date!

   The three stages of a relationship: 1. xoxo, 2. xxx & 3. ex

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be "Left rS. 10million in the..."

   I filed a lawsuit against Nabisco for blatant racism. I opened up a box of premium saltines and every one of them was a cracker.

   My ex-wife has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh... if you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean!

   pretty sure God didnt kill your grandpa. he had cancer, its a sickness people die from

   My neighbor came knocking at my door at 2:30 this morning...can you believe that, 2:30 A.M. mad me so mad,,lucky for him I was still up playing my drums!!!

   Jenga is a great way to teach your kids about strategy, patience and 9/11

   never a follower......that's what 'Twits' are for.

   thinks scare-crows should get Nobel prizes because they are out standing in their field

   Midgets smell different things in crowded elevators.

   if you listen very carefuly you can hear Monday sharpen her claws in the distance

   Circus shuts down..Obama leaves office... Coincidence? I think not

   Freedom of Speech has returned to America .... Apparently it is finally now legal once again to make fun of our President after 8 long years.

   Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt: "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   What if you just started licking the dentists fingers while they were in your mouth...

   This tampon tastes like I should have asked a couple more questions.

   Miami Heat are a big bunch of cry babies... LeBron is a douche. THEY SUCK!!