Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt: "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   This tampon tastes like I should have asked a couple more questions.

   Circus shuts down..Obama leaves office... Coincidence? I think not

   Freedom of Speech has returned to America .... Apparently it is finally now legal once again to make fun of our President after 8 long years.

   My ex-wife has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh... if you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean!

   pretty sure God didnt kill your grandpa. he had cancer, its a sickness people die from

   My neighbor came knocking at my door at 2:30 this morning...can you believe that, 2:30 A.M. mad me so mad,,lucky for him I was still up playing my drums!!!

   Jenga is a great way to teach your kids about strategy, patience and 9/11

   to Santa, "My Mommy doesn't belive in you! Santa to kid, "Tell mommy to stop believing Obama!"

   Instead of RIP, do Hindus put BRB on their gravestones?

   Ladies, why does it take you so long to get ready? Is it that hard to put on a fu?king apron?

   If I ever become a teacher.. I'm stapling McDonalds application.. To every failed test..

   Casey Anthony wants to be out of jail by Halloween, so she can dress up as a woman who didn't kill her baby

   You know it was a rough night when your IPhone doesn't recognize you in the morning.

   more frustrated than a legless Ethiopian watchin' a donut roll down a hill..

   Trump is the Kanye West of white folks.

   Donald Trump Claims Ignorance of KKK, David Duke, While Obama Was Essentially Forced to Denounce Farrakhan — Why the Double Standard?

   I wish I could be gay just to piss off the haters

   I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.

   Guys and their smartphones have it made now. Back In the day the only way we could prove we got some was to let our friends smell our finger!!