Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that's just me flirting

   let my personalities out for a night...I woke up with two hookers, a penguin, a pineapple, five teeth missing, and a tattoo that read "I'M FREE".

   Monday's aren't bad.. You just hate your job

   We don't care about your taste in women and cups of coffee. Thank you.

   Before Facebook, I used to write this stuff on slips of paper and put them in the pockets of unsold pants at Old Navy.

   My girl friend says she may move out because of my obsession with TV dramas. But will she really leave me......Find out next week!

   ***LATEST SOCIAL MEDIA GAME~~~ Inbox me your Bank Account or Credit Card number (be sure to give me the expiration date and 3 digit security code) and I will post in my status which bill or Christmas gift I used it for. Let's play!!!

   you know your not much of a Christmas shopper anymore, when your still using some of the same wrapping paper you had 3 years ago . 🎁 🎁🎁 🎁

   If anyone needs help eating those cookies. Let me know.

   I wanna be the reason you shake your head, even if it is in disgust.

   Oreos dont ask silly questions....oreos just understand.

   I just heard that my ex-wife has started dating again,,, and here I am with no popcorn.

   Divorce because consideration has an expiration date.

   Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

   It's universal, to point out old skool soda cans and chip bags during classic movies.

   To drink or not to drink!? What a stupid question!

   anyone going to tell America's funniest videos about YouTube?

   I may not regularly keep in touch with my friends and loved ones, but I always keep an eye on my enemies.

   Hey, women that wear any lipstick darker than red: No.

   Turn the wrong way and the b*tch on the GPS won't shut up. .. *my marriage advice to my boys