Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, women that wear any lipstick darker than red: No.

   Turn the wrong way and the b*tch on the GPS won't shut up. .. *my marriage advice to my boys

   A mass wedding is also called a mass suicide

   So,,, One time, I walked around with a smart car stuck in my teeth for like 4 hours before someone finally said something to me

   In an effort to show our support to the French, we English have held a shoulder-to-shoulder rally at Trafalgar Square. It's nice to see good old-fashioned English humour isn't dead.

   If anyone is looking for an unlicensed private plane pilot. Please give me a call, my rates are as low as I can go by state laws. . .

   I always give girls a lollipop on the first date as an ice breaker and so I know what I can expect

   The tooth fairy but for broken hearts and she leaves a cat under your pillow.

   When life throws you a curveball, try to duck so it hits someone else.

   Every Kiss may beging with "Kay", but Jarred ends with the "D"

   My Girlfriends good traits: Young, gorgeous, adverterous in bed, and has a dragon. Her bad traits: She's not real, but I can look past that becuase she has a dragon.

   My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

   The rest of the world loves soccer. That's what Russia said about communism.

   Sorry I was checking out your ass during your entire emotional breakdown.

   Yesterday there was a water main break right next to UCLA. Water was shooting out of the ground for four hours before it was turned off. They say 20 million gallons of water flooded the campus. I didn't even know L.A. had that much water.

   Did you hear what happened to Willie Nelson's hair? They sold it. There was an auction this week and a pair of Willie Nelson's braids sold for $37,000. It's a good deal because each braid has a street value of $80,000

   somewhere there a stoner watching the news hearing about Ebola & they ask "a bowl of what"

   Sorry I called your kid a freak when I saw that he was left-handed But dude, they can totally fix that now with science and therapy

   People are always saying "live and learn" and I'm all like whoa, whoa, whoa...one thing at a time please.

   If a bitstrip cartoon defines your creativity level...we can't be friends.