Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My head says, “Go to the gym.” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”!

   shocked to learn his son has been telling lies at school.....I've got no kids!

   Random disturbing Thought for the Day~Where do cops in nudist colonies pin their badges?? Or...hide their weapons for that matter........

   This new season of 24 sucks...Jack Bauer hasn't had to kill anyone yet

   anyone gonna tell Americas Funniest Videos that theres youtube?

   If you're having trouble with using the correct your/you're, just use “ur” because ur a moron

   Blackberry's r like girls, they only work when you touch d right button! iPhones are like men,...1 Touch anywhere & they respond...!! :) :D

   People are like books. You can't judge them by appearance alone and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.

   That uneasy moment when Edward Cullen and Santa Clause run into each other because they're both watching you sleep.

   Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.

   Personally, I'd like to see Gillette come out with an eight-ply roll of toilette paper.

   2011: bros before hoes 1800: brethren foregoing lasses.

   I don't have much of a moral compass, but sometimes I still use a character map.

   Having blue teeth would be cooler than wearing a Bluetooth.

   Call one of those sexy girl hotline and they charge by the minute. Just my luck I got a sexy girl who stutters

   RIP Kim Jong-il. I loved you on Community and those Hangover movies.

   Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this op

   It seems that nowadays people just add random symbols or letters after a colon and call it an emoticon. Like really? What the hell does :H mean.

   In life it doesn't matter what people say about you... Most of them f##kers dont even know the real you, so who gives a toss what a bunch of sad twisted plebs think... The people who love and respect you the most know the person you really are.

   The thing that sucks about chilling with friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone & know how little I answer their texts.