Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   happy birthday to all those born today in 1928...celebrating their 21st birthday

   Do strippers have nightmares about going to work fully clothed?

   This is like the 8th Christmas in a row I've been doing my last minute shopping & forgotten about the 10 day waiting period on handguns.

   so in the nativity scene...would Paris Hilton play the Virgin Mary or the cow?

   There's no such thing as 'a pair of ugly - cleanly shaven female legs' wrapped around your neck.

   New Years Resolution eat & Drink Healthy..................Weed & Vodka = Greens &Potatoes

   2012 is looking better. I had a twosome..... Woohoo!

   CNN was showing a woman counting ballots. I haven't seen coverage like this, since Sesame Street.

   Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.

   My head says, “Go to the gym.” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”!

   shocked to learn his son has been telling lies at school.....I've got no kids!

   Random disturbing Thought for the Day~Where do cops in nudist colonies pin their badges?? Or...hide their weapons for that matter........

   This new season of 24 sucks...Jack Bauer hasn't had to kill anyone yet

   anyone gonna tell Americas Funniest Videos that theres youtube?

   If you're having trouble with using the correct your/you're, just use “ur” because ur a moron

   Blackberry's r like girls, they only work when you touch d right button! iPhones are like men,...1 Touch anywhere & they respond...!! :) :D

   People are like books. You can't judge them by appearance alone and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.

   That uneasy moment when Edward Cullen and Santa Clause run into each other because they're both watching you sleep.

   Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.

   Personally, I'd like to see Gillette come out with an eight-ply roll of toilette paper.