Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a dollar for every time someone caught me 80s dancing in my car I could afford to tint these windows.

   One thing you always pay full price for is other peoples mistakes...

   WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.

   There's creepy, then there's going to a strip club wearing a windbreaker

   old woman is having breakfast with elderly husband when she says 'LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SEX" he replies "PICK ONE,I CAN'T DO BOTH"

   At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?

   Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.

   Seems Taylor Swift is dating a Kennedy. Let's hope she owns a life jacket. :-/

   I think I'm ready for a relationship. It's been a while since I've dealt with someone's ex drama, had my anxiety go through the roof or had my ego ripped to shreds. It sounds so tempting.

   woke up this morning to a little frost on the pumpkins. Guess it's time to start wearing a bra again.

   I just saw an honest political leader, riding a unicorn.

   Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.

   My favorite part of last night's presidential debate is when I watched the Tigers/Yankees game instead.

   "How fortunate for governments that the people they administer do not think" - Adolf Hitler

   Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.

   naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.

   Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"..

   - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste!

   It feels like my entire generation can be summed up in six words from a Nirvana song: Here we are now, entertain us.

   Its taken me 20 some odd years to figure out who was the favorite child, until I went to my moms basement last week and found a box labled Sean's bath toys- It was a radio and toaster..