Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants to know whats up with girls and big-ass sunglasses. You don't pollinate flowering plants.

   Mistakes- We all make them but we don't always apologize for them. Sometimes it's pride, sometimes it's stupidity and sometimes we don't think we did anything wrong, but if we're not careful we might end up being sorry one way or another.

   going to take over the world by building a large army of highly trained, blood thirsty pomeranians.

   I guess I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong...

   my phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass? I guess this think really is a smartphone

   - If Washington raises the debt limit, they should buy every American a Bud Light and charge it to China.

   ok brain. You woke me up at 4:13am. Must be important. Whats that? You want me to think about the Tylenol scare of '82? Done!

   I run with scissors. It makes me feel dangerous.

   Unfortunately, its hard to get real, useful advice nowadays. But on the other hand, you have different fingers...

   How can you keep earth clean when it's made of dirt and water?

   Dear Boomtown Rats, It's true I can't tell you why YOU don't like Mondays, but here's a list of reasons why I don't....a) they start too early, b) they finish too late, c) they last ALL day, d) they just keep coming back EVERY FRICKIN WEEK. That is all.

   Lady Gaga... "Being asked to be godmother of Elton Johns son brought a lump to my throat." No Gaga that's called an adams apple, mate.

   While I'm Gone....Just smile it's the 2nd Best thing you can do with your Lips....

   If you send me a "send this back" text, I will send it back to you 100 times.

   When I poke, I poke 2 fingers at a time, and I'm coming for your eyes!

   Its one of those days when even fortune cookies are against me.

   Life is like a vacuum cleaner, as soon as you make a firm step, it starts to suck.

   Swagger: To conduct oneself in an arrogant or superciliously pompous manner <----Well said Sir Webster

   I have time to get a few hours of sleep before I need to get ready for work. Bed get ready because this needs to be quick and meaningful....just like when I dream I am having sex...

   There's nothing that irks me more than guys fawning all over a hot, yet insecure dysfunctional actress type on facebook, as if they're gonna "get some". It's like watching people kissing the a$$ of a train wreck.