Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ran into a guy at a bar who said he was a huge rock star back in the '80s I didn't believe but he was adamant.

   *ATTENTION* I have a copy of tomorrows newspaper complete with sports scores, police blotters, and other interesting facts!.. I'm selling this for $352.83 a true bargain!! I can deliver the newspaper anytime tomorrow after 9:00 am

   When I was at the gym again this morning, I thought to myself "How can I subtly tell everyone that I always go to the gym?"

   Don't judge a woman by pounds and she won't judge you by inches.

   Fell down on the treadmill just now, got ice cream everywhere.

   Conrad Murray convicted of killing a pedophile and we cheer at the verdict?? I bet Dexter Morgan is pleased even tho he didn't get to make a trip to Neverland Ranch!!

   When I was younger I used to have a lot of patience, but now I'm like Michael Jackson's Doctor & I have no patients.

   Sum girls beg&sum girls borrow sum girls lead & sum girls follow sum bring joy & sum bring sorrow but the best girls just suck & swallow!!

   went to the Dr. to have a physical done, he told me that I have to stop masterbating, I asked him why? He said "because I am trying to examine you!"

   "Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts." I love it!

   Osama's diary found?  "Dear Diary, Had an OK day hiding here in the compound.  Watched some CNN.  2 of my 3 wives are on the rag, so that's a drag.  Well, that's all for now. Bye, Osama "

   I wasn't that drunk. "Dude, you walked into Wal-Mart and when the voice came on the intercom, you dropped on to your knees and screamed, “GOD HAS SPOKEN”

   Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

   Drop a nuke on the oil spill...just worry about the excuse we'll need after they overshoot the target and bomb Mexico instead.

   Say what you will about Trump, he sure is loyal to the country that elected him (Russia).

   wants to know whats up with girls and big-ass sunglasses. You don't pollinate flowering plants.

   Mistakes- We all make them but we don't always apologize for them. Sometimes it's pride, sometimes it's stupidity and sometimes we don't think we did anything wrong, but if we're not careful we might end up being sorry one way or another.

   going to take over the world by building a large army of highly trained, blood thirsty pomeranians.

   I guess I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong...

   my phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass? I guess this think really is a smartphone