Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i love when my parents go away and leave me money for food.. little do they know I spend it on drugs and alcohol!

   Officer I'm not trying to be a jack ass but if you caught me speeding dosn't that mean you were speeding to?

   I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

   To "scratch" your balls is a false saying. It's more of a "pinch and roll"

   says my Karma just ran over my Dogma!

   Apparently 2010 is not the year for Miners.....

   at home on White Wednesday.....just sayin

   feels sorry for people who are on trial. Their future is put into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   When I see a bumper sticker that says "Bring home the Troops," I mentally finish the sentence with "then send in the Ninjas."

   Why is it called 'dry humping' when I still need a towel?

   brushing his tooth

   Just got home and found all the doors smashed in and everything gone!!! What kind of weirdo does that to someones advent calender ?

   Having the best damn time I can before Monday. Can I get an Amen?!

   a member of the Jehovah's Witness protection program.

   Everyone is calling me and texting me saying some big idiot is running down the road with nothing but a diaper on..where are you going?

   I want to shoot and eat a lion. Not for his meat. But for his powers.

   Im so tired of this winter and snow that I rigged a gasoline can to my leaf blower, I'm on a mission now to melt all the snow so I can mow later

   Cheers to alcohol the cause of and solution to all life's problems.

   aim for the moon because even if you miss you will land in the stars

   wants to know what do you give a sick florist?