Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   changing my iPhone signature to say, Sent from my bathroom.

   sometimes I stroll through homeless shelters handing out real estate pamphlets just for fun.

   Life is funny. Well ok, just My life. Ok everyone please stop LOL-ing,ROFL-ing, and LMMAO-ing. Thank you

   The most dangerous animal you never want to come across on the African Safari is an American tourist.

   thinking Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

   NBA cancels first two weeks of the season. I hope Kim and Khloe are gonna be ok........

   Macho Man died today. He is survived by his wife and their one son Koolaid Man.

   Love is like a rubber band. At first we keep on pulling and pulling. Then when someone let go, it hurts the person who holds on.

   FACT: When a woman feels like her emotions are being played with.............She becomes the FBI...

   liking someone who doesn't like you back is the worst. esp when you think about them every damn day

   I've got a lot of respect for born again Christian women. God bless you all. (One less slut out there for me to compete with.)

   when I am bored, I like to park on the side of the freeway and stick a blow dryer out the window and watch the cars slam on their brakes

   MAN: "Hi. I'm Bond.....James Bond. What's your name?" WOMAN: "Off.....Fu¢k Off."

   The world ain't ending on the 21st of december 2012, cuz Marty, Jennifer and Dr. Brown from Back To The Future II will be coming to this world on 15th of October 2015.

   2012...End of the WORLD... 2013 ... End of the Rumor...

   I love the taste of tuna, but I'm not a fan of the smell. This is true about something else as well, but I can't put my finger in it. Hmm.

   I bet it didn't take Prince Harry long to tell Princess Kate that nausea can be cured by sucking on ginger

   FYI: A great white shark, is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

   i love when my parents go away and leave me money for food.. little do they know I spend it on drugs and alcohol!

   Officer I'm not trying to be a jack ass but if you caught me speeding dosn't that mean you were speeding to?