Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagin@...

   Megan Fox will not be acting in Transformers 3. The same was true in Transformers 1 and 2.

   can't wait to watch his favourite Christmas movie, "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection"

   A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.  He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing...... 

   wonders if ghost say "I see living people"?!

   if paper beats rock, then let me throw a rock at you while you hold up a piece of paper.

   Please don't BRO me, I am a single child and I'm white.

   It's pretty funny to strap a Christmas tree to the roof of your car, light it on fire, and drive around like nothing's wrong.

   As a Truck Driver, let me say after several days of mid 90 degree temps, beaver season is in full swing.

   Inspired by T.G.I. Fridays, I opened a restaurant called C.L.I. Tuesdays. No one could find it.

   Facebook share value went from $38 to $43 already.  Now Facebook has sufficient funds to install aircraft landing lights on Rihanna's forehead.

   #HOODTRANSLATIONS: "take one for the team bruh" = while I'm with this attractive female, please occupy her friend who is strong in the face.

   the line was so long at chick fil a, I got some KFC to eat while I waited...

   Former Olympic Skater Nancy Kerrigan was arrested today on a DUI.....She blew 8.6 /7.8 /5.6 /.6.7/and 7.3

   I wonder if clouds look down on us and say "Hey look! That one looks like an idiot."

   I'm not a "tree hugger", but I'd like for my grandkids to have "oxygen".

   I dropped my cell phone in water. I dried it out in a bag of Uncle Ben's. He stole my minutes.

   Why does a hooker make more money than a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and re-sell it!

   this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?

   Ate some bad Indian food... and now I know how to pronounce that symbol that Prince changed his name to.