Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please don't BRO me, I am a single child and I'm white.

   It's pretty funny to strap a Christmas tree to the roof of your car, light it on fire, and drive around like nothing's wrong.

   As a Truck Driver, let me say after several days of mid 90 degree temps, beaver season is in full swing.

   Inspired by T.G.I. Fridays, I opened a restaurant called C.L.I. Tuesdays. No one could find it.

   Facebook share value went from $38 to $43 already.  Now Facebook has sufficient funds to install aircraft landing lights on Rihanna's forehead.

   #HOODTRANSLATIONS: "take one for the team bruh" = while I'm with this attractive female, please occupy her friend who is strong in the face.

   There are two things I cannot stand: Racism and Justin Bieber.

   I don't know if this makes me a homophobe or not, but from a guy's perspective, I much prefer the hole to be situated in front.

   Life lesson #35890: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window.

   Happy President's Day! Time to remember all the great leaders this country has had, and how we've disgraced them by putting Obama in office!!

   arm wrestling the KOOL-AID guy...he's strong! He must be drinking MILK!

   Has anyone started selling a Ginsberg zombie Halloween costume yet?

   Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

   Happy "Most of Alabama Hates This Day" Day!

   I can't believe we wasted star wars technology on tupac

   If my relationship status ever changes from single to married, please know that its not me, my account has been hacked.

   Question, Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?

   Happy St. Hangover's Day, everybody.

   Colin Kaepernick must feel more left out than Kunta Kinte at a Country Music festival.

   Wonders if Mike Pence sleeps upside down from his ceiling in his house with no furniture.