Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it true that every girl is a patron bottle away from a lesbian experience? Because they have that sh!t on sale at Costco right now.

   atleast none of us agree with tom cruise lol.... now back to the good ol days of funny updates shall we

   Going to the mall today to sit on Cupid's lap and tell him who I want for Valentine's day.

   if you look up "cool" in the dictionary you'll see marked by calm self-control (especially in trying circumstances); unemotional; "play it cool"; "keep cool"; don't be a liar...I just checked the dictionary.

   hated my many. Confronted my none!

   Smoking does not actually kill you. There are plenty of old people in Europe.

   Seriously, why is Lindsay Lohan's 4th drug test fail helicopter-worthy? At this point the press should be sending scooters.

   "Of course I was driving under the influence, I'm too drunk to walk!"

   Excuses: Elementary School - "He started it!" Middle School - "It was a dare!" High School - "I was drunk."

   Wow..Thought I just seen a cool bass boat next to me, turns out to be a 64 Impala!

   needs advice and help, but not from you.

   Two billion years of evolution and that's what you come up with?

   If porn was truly free, I'd save a lot of time on google.

   annoyed....the FOLD cycle on the clothes dryer isn't working!

   If you're going to have two faces, you'd think you'd make one of them attractive

   the reason you're afraid of the dark...

   just woke up....looking for my totem now! :)

   So, was Snooki taken to juvie??

   If flatulence is a normal part of pregancy, why did they toss me out of my wife's lamaze class after I farted?

   Do you really have to like everything on Facebook....????