Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets.

   I love You Tube. You can look up everthing. It's Google the Movie musical

   We all have a drawer by the sink filled with junk. Can you please check your drawer for a Boeing 777

   New research shows that seniors can improve their memory by looking after their grandchildren once a week. Because nothing improves a person’s memory like frantically trying to remember where they left their grandchild.

   It's not gay if his name is Ashley.

   "If it wasn't for my faults, I haven't had wisdom today." But, it shouldn’t give you an opportunity to commit more.

   thinks, therefore I am...suffering from a headache!

   I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert. "Pen1s Enlargement - 80% off". That doesn't sound like an enlargement to me!

   A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

   A bunch of pro bowlers played a football game last night... wow, what an impressive bunch of two-sport athletes!

   If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be ready to take over from Gary Moore by now. RIP mate :(

   No my child, you may not have a cheese, peanut butter, fluff and cookie sandwich. Why? Because its just flat out disturbing that you thought those would make a great sandwich

   wonders if shaving one's head make one truly aerodynamic and thereby fuel efficient? And - can I claim that as a deduction on my taxes?

   I purposely mess up there, their, and they're just to piss people off.

   I spy on my girlfriend to make sure she doesn't cheat by cutting two eye-holes in a massive newspaper. I'm so behind the times.

   If love isn't a game, then why are there so many players ?

   Today I didn't know what to do- the devil on my shoulder pushed my angel off other shoulder but just a moment ago the angel came back with a baseball bat!

   Charlie Sheen is releasing his own cologne called Winning. I hear it smells like cocaine, rum, and hookers.

   imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

   It doesn't say it on my drivers license but I'm an organ donor.