Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I lost my balance crawling into bed and leaned my head on the ceiling to prevent from falling over.

   I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!

   thinks, therefore I am...suffering from a headache!

   I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert. "Pen1s Enlargement - 80% off". That doesn't sound like an enlargement to me!

   A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

   A bunch of pro bowlers played a football game last night... wow, what an impressive bunch of two-sport athletes!

   If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be ready to take over from Gary Moore by now. RIP mate :(

   No my child, you may not have a cheese, peanut butter, fluff and cookie sandwich. Why? Because its just flat out disturbing that you thought those would make a great sandwich

   wonders if shaving one's head make one truly aerodynamic and thereby fuel efficient? And - can I claim that as a deduction on my taxes?

   I purposely mess up there, their, and they're just to piss people off.

   I spy on my girlfriend to make sure she doesn't cheat by cutting two eye-holes in a massive newspaper. I'm so behind the times.

   If love isn't a game, then why are there so many players ?

   Today I didn't know what to do- the devil on my shoulder pushed my angel off other shoulder but just a moment ago the angel came back with a baseball bat!

   Charlie Sheen is releasing his own cologne called Winning. I hear it smells like cocaine, rum, and hookers.

   imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

   4/20 is the day that some of you celebrate smokin dope. 4/21 is the day your employer (If you have one) celebrates random drug testing!

   That awesome moment when the teacher asks you a questio thinking you wasn't paying attention. Then you answer it right, it's like What now @#!*%

   It doesn't say it on my drivers license but I'm an organ donor.

   Combined "no problem" and "your welcome" to an upset customer ... its not good saying "your problem" at the end of a phone call .. whoops

   Grocery shopping right after a buffet dinner sucks!!