Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Zombie Zumba: Combining the two most popular Facebook topics into one!

   The fact that Donald Trump has no sense of humor makes me suspect that he also has no mirror.

   I was listening to you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question...

   wonders, what would happen if a witness was sworn in, asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and the answer came out from his mouth is no?

   Foolishness always results when the tongue outraces the brain.

   Be a fountain, not a drain.

   A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!

   Walking into your closet not knowing whenever it'll be Monsters Inc. or Narnia

   If I enter a town and the # on the population sign doesn't immediately increase, I have no choice but to make things right.

   the only way you can be better than me is that you actually wrap yourself in bacon

   I like you because you leave a "Thank you" note and a sandwich on the dresser after our 1 night stand.

   Think about it this way: Due to all of the successes Steve Jobs had, news of his death is spreading faster than it ever could have. That's what I call a life's accomplishment.

   She's been pounded more times than Johnny Bench's catchers mitt

   I lost my balance crawling into bed and leaned my head on the ceiling to prevent from falling over.

   I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!

   thinks, therefore I am...suffering from a headache!

   I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert. "Pen1s Enlargement - 80% off". That doesn't sound like an enlargement to me!

   A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

   A bunch of pro bowlers played a football game last night... wow, what an impressive bunch of two-sport athletes!

   If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be ready to take over from Gary Moore by now. RIP mate :(