Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the only way you can be better than me is that you actually wrap yourself in bacon

   I like you because you leave a "Thank you" note and a sandwich on the dresser after our 1 night stand.

   Think about it this way: Due to all of the successes Steve Jobs had, news of his death is spreading faster than it ever could have. That's what I call a life's accomplishment.

   She's been pounded more times than Johnny Bench's catchers mitt

   I lost my balance crawling into bed and leaned my head on the ceiling to prevent from falling over.

   I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!

   thinks, therefore I am...suffering from a headache!

   I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert. "Pen1s Enlargement - 80% off". That doesn't sound like an enlargement to me!

   A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

   A bunch of pro bowlers played a football game last night... wow, what an impressive bunch of two-sport athletes!

   If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be ready to take over from Gary Moore by now. RIP mate :(

   No my child, you may not have a cheese, peanut butter, fluff and cookie sandwich. Why? Because its just flat out disturbing that you thought those would make a great sandwich

   wonders if shaving one's head make one truly aerodynamic and thereby fuel efficient? And - can I claim that as a deduction on my taxes?

   I purposely mess up there, their, and they're just to piss people off.

   I spy on my girlfriend to make sure she doesn't cheat by cutting two eye-holes in a massive newspaper. I'm so behind the times.

   If love isn't a game, then why are there so many players ?

   Today I didn't know what to do- the devil on my shoulder pushed my angel off other shoulder but just a moment ago the angel came back with a baseball bat!

   Charlie Sheen is releasing his own cologne called Winning. I hear it smells like cocaine, rum, and hookers.

   imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

   4/20 is the day that some of you celebrate smokin dope. 4/21 is the day your employer (If you have one) celebrates random drug testing!