Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   screwed up the settings on my 4D printer,, and now there's a scale model of the Death Star somewhere in 1674.

   That's ok about the cancellation,, Cuz I went on a date with a dolphin today,, Yeah, we just clicked.

   I’m sorry I don’t meet your expectations but I think you should give me some credit for excelling at disappointing you.

   This bottle of Jack Daniels and I are gonna need a do not disturb sign and a safe word tonight.

   Don't get mad... get weed.

   Nothing shows more Christmas spirit then then Egypt, and Sudan they keep sending each other cars- that blow up! Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal!

   If there is a hell, I already know that I'm going there. So at this point of my life, it's really go big or go home.

   Have you ever walked into a room after a gay 0rgy? That's how your breath smells in the morning

   Just bought the new book set "Understanding Women" the simplified version. it's 14 volumes with over 876 pages per volume.

   Every since we got a Handicap permit, It's like everybody got one and I can't never find Handicap parking Now.

   This Taco Bell breakfast taste like I don't get paid till Friday.

   Started my post-Thanksgiving cleanse and I just coughed up several feathers and a pecan pie.

   A woman says she is on her period, gets 123 likes.. As a man, I do not understand this.

   2015 and I still can't believe it's not butter!

   I've survived enough awkward high-fives to know they're not worth the risk

   Bet you I can throw this under inflated football over them mountains...

   Imagine sex with me. Too late. It's over.

   50 Shades of Gray - A canine biography

   I don't get how people get eaten by sharks....I mean how do they not hear the music?

   How do YOU know your baby doesn't like my second hand smoke? It can't even talk yet.