Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woke up in the middle of my sleep.Only thing that's keeping my neighbor's barking dog alive now is that I'm still sleepy.

   Note to all guys out there...when your GF ask's you "do these pants make me look fat?". Pretty sure there isn't a right answer to this and you can definately cross off "I don't think we should blame the pants"!

   Sometimes you just need your space, so you can figure out how you fit into someone else's.

   If you message me to the point where I have to scroll to read it all, well, you need to hire a text editor.

   Why can't the world come to Peace rather than Pieces?

   I really spoiled her today. First I bought her a lovely new scent. Then I rubbed essential oils into her beautiful body and then I did the vacuuming and dusting. I f** love my BMW!

   I hope the one night stand was worth the free trip to TGI Friday's and the box of Whitman's Chocolates.

   hardcore pawn...more like, when animals attack

   These American Idol constestants are going down more then a porn star at an orgy.

   For Mardi Gras i'm giving up beads.

   I will be running in a 0.25 mile run in support of people with attention deficit disorder (aka Kardashin Dash)

   Ive been to the good side. The cookies were stale.

   Eating Doritos while copying out my new weights routine. I am a mystery wrapped in an engma dusted in florescent - orange fake cheese powder.

   How can I "Live Like Theres No Tomorrow" if there are freaking rules and laws?

   Let's face it people... Slow an Steady NEVER wins the race... Whoever came up with that quote...Is a idiot!

   Wow...there apparently is a front And back to male thongs.

   My favorite statement to hear from a person walking by: "Hey, sorry, my phone does wierd things to me"

   Poor Kris Humphries. The NBA strike won't allow him to dribble and shoot and neither will Kim Kardashian.

   If I'm ever resurrected after I'm murdered I'm going to be one vengeful b@stard.

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right". Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?