Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Can Only Play The Hand [♠][♥][♦][♣] That GOD Has Delt Me -

   Nice guys finish last. Bad boys finish on her face.

   Girls: If a guy wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs, send him to KFC. You're a lady, not a cheap value meal.

   Barney Frank is retiring from Congress to coach football at Penn State....

   The Bible says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." It doesn't say anything about the one who lives across town.

   OMG I just heard Whitney Huston died? better start looking for my earplugs

   URGENT FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT. An email recently went out to women asking them to post the colour of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix it, you must remove your bra, then go to settings>Enable Webcam>Record Movie. Please re post this to your status!

   I went on eBay this afternoon looking for a Dictaphone ...they gave me Obama's phone number.

   I had a friend on Facebook who's status said "Suicidal..Standing on the edge of a cliff"...... So I poked him

   Dear Mrs. Obama- I've scheduled some movers for tomorrow at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

   I love Beer. I would marry Beer if I could. ''Do you, Beer, take me to be your awfully wetted wife....until a DUI do us part? I LOVE YOU, BEER!"

   I drank too much and blew Chunks. Unfortunately, Chunks is my dog.

   Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink... But if you must lie, lie in the arms of you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death., and if you must drink, drink in the moments that takes your breath away....

   It's so hott, I just seen a bird blow on a worm before it ate it..

   Being gay is the ONLY sin people focus on. Cursing? Sin. Sex before marriage? Sin. Sins are sins. Y'all too judgmental. that's also a sin.

   My stepfather doesn't know it, but he owns the world record for eating the most jizz sandwiches in a year.

   Libyan uprising, Japan quake/tsunami, impending nuclear reactor(s) metdown -- BUSH'S FAULT

   Q: What's the difference between Hitler, Stalin & Obama?... A: We know where Hitler and Stalin were born.

   Happy 40th Birthday Sesame Street... Thanks for all the good times...

   i was playing ping pong against king kong in hong kong using my ding dong ...