Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Mrs. Obama- I've scheduled some movers for tomorrow at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

   I love Beer. I would marry Beer if I could. ''Do you, Beer, take me to be your awfully wetted wife....until a DUI do us part? I LOVE YOU, BEER!"

   I drank too much and blew Chunks. Unfortunately, Chunks is my dog.

   Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink... But if you must lie, lie in the arms of you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death., and if you must drink, drink in the moments that takes your breath away....

   It's so hott, I just seen a bird blow on a worm before it ate it..

   A guy at Target wearing a Dallas Cowboys hat and a MAGA t-shirt was buying a 65 inch TV so I said “Man, you’re really gonna be able to see the players kneeling on that thing.”

   Being gay is the ONLY sin people focus on. Cursing? Sin. Sex before marriage? Sin. Sins are sins. Y'all too judgmental. that's also a sin.

   My stepfather doesn't know it, but he owns the world record for eating the most jizz sandwiches in a year.

   Libyan uprising, Japan quake/tsunami, impending nuclear reactor(s) metdown -- BUSH'S FAULT

   Q: What's the difference between Hitler, Stalin & Obama?... A: We know where Hitler and Stalin were born.

   Happy 40th Birthday Sesame Street... Thanks for all the good times...

   i was playing ping pong against king kong in hong kong using my ding dong ...

   jokes about suicide aren't funny, cut it out

   Why is Cuba now acceptable but the Dukes of Hazzard are not?

   Kamala Harris looked like a smug litigant on Judge Judy being sued by her landlord for not paying rent; claiming it was a gift.

   A MAN WILL NOT RESPECT AWOMAN WHO DOES NOT RESPECT HERSELF OR HER BODY, IF YOU TRADE SEX FOR MATERIAL THINGS YOU ARE PROSTITUTING YOURSELF.

   It's all good to be a religious person.. Just do it way over there... Away from me

   Nearly 2 million DEAD Americans are still registered to vote... Therefore, President Obama might LITERALLY be reelected over our DEAD bodies!

   approves this message

   trapped in the Facebook status message textbox; send help!