Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: YOU ARE LOST, GO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS Me: *swallows pride, walks into gas station*... Excuse me sir, do you know where "the clitoris" is

   If I was the world's tallest man, I'd double up on my Guinness World Record by coming out as gay thus becoming the World's Biggest Fruit.

   Today at the NASCAR race they drove around in an oval for about 4 hrs! Next week, same thing.

   what did the egg say to the boiling water? "it might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chick!"

   I Can Only Play The Hand [♠][♥][♦][♣] That GOD Has Delt Me -

   Nice guys finish last. Bad boys finish on her face.

   Girls: If a guy wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs, send him to KFC. You're a lady, not a cheap value meal.

   Barney Frank is retiring from Congress to coach football at Penn State....

   The Bible says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." It doesn't say anything about the one who lives across town.

   OMG I just heard Whitney Huston died? better start looking for my earplugs

   URGENT FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT. An email recently went out to women asking them to post the colour of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix it, you must remove your bra, then go to settings>Enable Webcam>Record Movie. Please re post this to your status!

   I went on eBay this afternoon looking for a Dictaphone ...they gave me Obama's phone number.

   I had a friend on Facebook who's status said "Suicidal..Standing on the edge of a cliff"...... So I poked him

   Dear Mrs. Obama- I've scheduled some movers for tomorrow at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

   I drank too much and blew Chunks. Unfortunately, Chunks is my dog.

   Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink... But if you must lie, lie in the arms of you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death., and if you must drink, drink in the moments that takes your breath away....

   I love Beer. I would marry Beer if I could. ''Do you, Beer, take me to be your awfully wetted wife....until a DUI do us part? I LOVE YOU, BEER!"

   It's so hott, I just seen a bird blow on a worm before it ate it..

   A guy at Target wearing a Dallas Cowboys hat and a MAGA t-shirt was buying a 65 inch TV so I said “Man, you’re really gonna be able to see the players kneeling on that thing.”

   Being gay is the ONLY sin people focus on. Cursing? Sin. Sex before marriage? Sin. Sins are sins. Y'all too judgmental. that's also a sin.