Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Remember one christmas when I woke up to see my mom helping santa with his zipper.. jolly old santa.

   Advertising has taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.

   I feel like Eminem right now. Not because I'm rapping but because I have vomit on my sweater already...moms spaghetti

   I just want to play cards with a priest so I can say... Forgive me father for I have ginned

   Went for a horse ride today...horse wouldn't stop, just kept going out of control...luckily the store clerk unplugged it before I fell off!

   I feel bad for those inner city kids that are too fat to dance their way out of the hood

   lowercase letters: just like UPPERCASE letters, but without all the demand for attention

   Casey Anthony referred to her computer as "something I can call mine". OMG!! That means she's going to kill her computer next, not the dog.....

   Damn, I was way off. Turns out Alien vs Predator isn't about an illegal immigrant fighting a child molester.

   Rather than waste money going to strip clubs I can save it by just staying here on Facebook and watch some sluts' profile pics.

   two muffins are sitting in an oven, one turns to the other and says "damn sure is hot in here isn't it?" the other muffin turns and screams "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

   Necrophilia: because there's nothing like cracking open a cold one.

   Fries, Chips...whatever you wish to call them, we Americans at least have teeth to eat them with. ... Say what .... Have you been to walmart lately ?

   Who is Kim jong ......Wasnt that an 80s song?.......Everybody kim jong tonight........

   I feel like everytime a Trump employee quits or gets fired, Oompa Loompas should appear and sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony and greed.

   In honor of Christine O'Donnell, I am designating November as Lack of Awareness Awareness Month.

   Babe, I can't promise you that you won't have problems in your life...but I can promise you that you'll never have to face them alone..

   I'm so broke... People in Haiti are having a benefit for me !!

   Smokey Bear just celebrated his 70th birthday. Smokey bear is 70. Can you believe he's that old? Smoky says he puts out fires by waking up seven times a night and peeing on them!

   4 out of 5 turtles are Ninjas