Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok, I get it. You want to talk to me! But that doesn't mean that you have to send me 4 texts 8 missed calls, a facebook chat, and a facebook message. I wil respond eventually to one simple text. Go buy some patience on E-bay.

   My, what a lovely shade of slut you're wearing today...

   Now I know why women get so pissed about the toliet seat being left up...MAN! That toliet water is cold!

   God's busy. Can I help you?

   That akward moment when you actually see a chiken crossing the road..

   what do ducks do when they fly upside down? They quack up!!

   good girls may go to heaven but bad girls take you there

   Monday morning is a slap in the face to wake us up from our weekend daydream.

   I love the instant bowel cleansing I receive after eating McDonald's food!

   I Remember one christmas when I woke up to see my mom helping santa with his zipper.. jolly old santa.

   Advertising has taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.

   I feel like Eminem right now. Not because I'm rapping but because I have vomit on my sweater already...moms spaghetti

   I just want to play cards with a priest so I can say... Forgive me father for I have ginned

   Went for a horse ride today...horse wouldn't stop, just kept going out of control...luckily the store clerk unplugged it before I fell off!

   I feel bad for those inner city kids that are too fat to dance their way out of the hood

   lowercase letters: just like UPPERCASE letters, but without all the demand for attention

   Casey Anthony referred to her computer as "something I can call mine". OMG!! That means she's going to kill her computer next, not the dog.....

   Damn, I was way off. Turns out Alien vs Predator isn't about an illegal immigrant fighting a child molester.

   Rather than waste money going to strip clubs I can save it by just staying here on Facebook and watch some sluts' profile pics.

   two muffins are sitting in an oven, one turns to the other and says "damn sure is hot in here isn't it?" the other muffin turns and screams "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!"