Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Valentine's Day to my right hand. I love you more than the left!

   Pretty bad when your dog farts so loud he has the nerve to turn to see where the noise came from.

   Horror-Scope: Congratulations, you're one day closer to death.

   I'm Amish but, I consider myself extreme Amish because I use electric.

   My first after school job was sweeping up hair.... I don't know how that kebab shop stayed Open

   I spiked the milkshake. No one's leaving my yard.

   The first time I saw you, my heart whispered: "That's The One" and my d*ck concurred, “I would tap that”

   "You'll see!! THEY'LL ALL SEE!!!!" - an optometrist throwing glasses into the screaming crowd from a parade float

   I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out... Well, at least it tasted like a taco salad.

   The hardest part about being vegan must be having to Instagram everything you eat.

   Vodka: Because showers weren't meant to be taken alone

   If you drink a Red Bull before 10 am it won't work until you post a pic of it on Facebook with the caption, "Breakfast of Champions"

   I do hateful things for which people love me, and I do lovable things for which they hate me. I'm admired for my detestability.

   Just realized who in the heck did I get a more better grade in Spanish class then I did in English?. Doesn't make cents.

   With all the social injustice and government misconduct all over the world at a fever pitch, lets go ahead and focus on deflated footballs and soccer corruption instead.

   Now I have to buy a new jersey for my nativity baby Jesus

   My wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath, I suppose I should wait until she gets out.

   If infants can enjoy their infancy why can't adults enjoy adultery?

   Pockets are an awesome way to scratch your balls while in public!

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ Friday Saturday Sunday