Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ass cheeks are so tight, when I fart only my dog can hear it.

   When people call me smart, I'm just thankful they're not around to see me turn the wrong burner on the stove every-single-time!!

   I am sorry for what I said when I was....... Drunk, naked and horny while laying on your front lawn.

   "If it wasn't for my faults, I haven't had wisdom today." But unfortunately you're still idiot.

   Apparently when someone posted on Facebook that they found God, asking for a picture is frowned upon!

   When you're compl-aining about busy strangers staring at their cellphones- instead of you-, I’ll call you an idle attention $eeker wh0rre chi-ld.

   When they captured el Chapo, I think they also got rid of El Niño, because it is frickin cold here

   There are never any fat weather girls on TV. I wish there were. I don't trust all these skinny bit@@es.

   ..... I used to laugh when somebody told me what the origin of the KKK was ..... until I actually looked it up. Turns out they were right .....

   Studies suggest that 9 out of 10 men prefer a women with curves. The 10th man drives a Ford and prefers the other 9 men.

   Sorry Syracuse, but if I wanted to see an Orangeman lose by that much, I would just check the general election polls!

   I may lose friends. But.. People who want to politically correct need a red hot iron stoker stuck up their a$$es. . .

   Superbowl 48, 2 teams from the only 2 states 2 have legalized pot, I'm guessing tht their "secret" of success is a bowl of "weedies" every morn 4 breakfast

   Happy Valentine's Day to my right hand. I love you more than the left!

   Pretty bad when your dog farts so loud he has the nerve to turn to see where the noise came from.

   Horror-Scope: Congratulations, you're one day closer to death.

   I'm Amish but, I consider myself extreme Amish because I use electric.

   My first after school job was sweeping up hair.... I don't know how that kebab shop stayed Open

   I spiked the milkshake. No one's leaving my yard.

   The first time I saw you, my heart whispered: "That's The One" and my d*ck concurred, “I would tap that”