Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I decided to use Craigslist to do all my Christmas shopping. Look's like everyone's getting used couches this year.

   Can I refill your eggnog for ya? Get ya something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave ya for dead?

   I was going to ask my wife for her honest view on sexist jokes..she was too busy cooking though.

   Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, all rubbish. You want to lose weight? Move to England. The food is horrid.

   Did you eat a bowl of frosted flakes this morning ? Cause you look GRRRREEAATT

   99% percent of Republicans think that they are Rich...1% are.

   Biden says he doesn't want to talk about his predecessor. I know exactly how he feels.

   In honor of Michael Jackson's birthday, their family requests that all child actors wear their pants at "half-staff" today.

   Freedom comes with wisdom, and no religion wants people to be free.

   I just switched on Airplane mode on my phone. Fecking Russians launched missiles at it.

   40 y/o women are like stray cats. A little attention and they'll never leave...

   Yesterday, Jesus, son of Mary arose from the dead. This morning... Bob, son of Joan... did not fare as well.

   can ride their bike with no handle bars

   Say "eye" then spell "map" and then say "ness". :P

   Why does everyone always have to bring up religion? I'm a Christian but I'm not going around shoving it down everyone's throat and I would ask that everyone else keep their beliefs to themselves as well.

   Coffee and cigarettes, best thing in the world.

   Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal... It makes them soggy and hard to light.

   Jesus and santa are not real. You can live up to a 1,000 year and still never get to meet Jesus.

   "checking Facebook while on vacation, what a loser. "

   THERE IS A VIRUS SPREADING LIKE WILDFIRE ON FB. DO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING FROM ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS THAT ASK YOU TO PLAY FARMVILLE. SNOPES JUST CONFIRMED IT WILL CONTROL YOUR LIFE & TURN YOU INTO A LOSER. PLEASE REPOST THIS IN YOUR STATUS.