Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't participate in tickle fights because I get inappropriate b0ners

   The hell with what song was number one when I was born, I wanna know what kinky $hit my parents were listening to when I was conceived.

   I'm the kind of person that laughs at my own status updates before I post them... because i'm just too damn funny!

   Can't get a job because I don't have experience. I can't get experience because I can't get a job.

   I asked my mom what she wants for Mothersday smh she never changes she said "for you to eat your vegetables"

   Women are like iPhones: You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries: Rub one ball and everything moves

   I only take half a vitamin because I haven't decided if I wanna live forever.

   I need new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me.

   Hey Girl Scouts, let mom handle my cookie transaction. I don't have all day to watch you practice math..

   Honey, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder...

   i wasn't that drunk ?!!! dude you threw a toothpick in the forest, and yelled "ur home "

   Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by sleepy Joe.. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include inflation, it’s $900

   You're right Donald J. Trump, no one has ever asked why the Civil War happened, except for every seventh-grade teacher in America.

   In your faces, libtards! Mexico confirmed they are paying for the wall.

   I decided to use Craigslist to do all my Christmas shopping. Look's like everyone's getting used couches this year.

   Can I refill your eggnog for ya? Get ya something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave ya for dead?

   I was going to ask my wife for her honest view on sexist jokes..she was too busy cooking though.

   Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, all rubbish. You want to lose weight? Move to England. The food is horrid.

   Did you eat a bowl of frosted flakes this morning ? Cause you look GRRRREEAATT

   99% percent of Republicans think that they are Rich...1% are.