Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nothing worse than being suck in traffic and having to take a dump

   My wife said to me "Look, I need to talk to you about your fixation with sh it". "Pull up a stool," I replied.

   Apple has a new device out for Chinese people. The 'iOpener'

   If you had to die, this would be the best way... Clint Eastwood shooting you while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

   Wishing my American friends a safe and happy Independence Day, and a gentle reminder that they were almost Canadians had Canada decided to raze their Whitehouse instead of turning back to Canada for beer. :)

   My mom found out that I was smoking weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

   If you are a pharmacist and you never yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your a s s!" Then we could never be friends

   Just saw my ex with her new man and had to smile because I KNOW there's not a place on her he can kiss that hasn't been coated by my man gravy. :)

   My better half wants me to go to the store and pick up some spices...I told her"Ain't nobody got no thyme for that"...

   Bud light? No thanks. I'd rather light bud.

   Today has been brought to you by the numbers 10. 11. 12

   Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, all rubbish. You want to lose weight? Move to England. The food is horrid.

   Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by sleepy Joe.. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include inflation, it’s $900

   You're right Donald J. Trump, no one has ever asked why the Civil War happened, except for every seventh-grade teacher in America.

   In your faces, libtards! Mexico confirmed they are paying for the wall.

   I decided to use Craigslist to do all my Christmas shopping. Look's like everyone's getting used couches this year.

   Can I refill your eggnog for ya? Get ya something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave ya for dead?

   I was going to ask my wife for her honest view on sexist jokes..she was too busy cooking though.

   In honor of Michael Jackson's birthday, their family requests that all child actors wear their pants at "half-staff" today.

   Did you eat a bowl of frosted flakes this morning ? Cause you look GRRRREEAATT