Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The hot lady across the street had a seizure on her front lawn today. Her MILF shakes brought the paramedics to the yard.

   Fortune Cookies Lie...

   I can't wait for Biden's tell-all book to come out. It's titled "You know, the thing.."

   saw on the news a black couple had a white baby. it wouldn't happen in China because two Wong's don't make a white.

   YES!!! I knew it... The world will not end in 2012 - I just found a condom in my wallet that expires in 2013.

   Rain with sunshine today... the devil must be beating his wife.

   (don't)Touchdown(there), Penn State!!

   I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.

   remember when MTV actually stood for Music Television

   If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep.... If it doesn't, you drove far enough.

   Next time you see a harmless bug, let it live. I have this crazy belief that living things should stay alive.

   "Does this suicide bomb vest make me look fat?" ~ G@y Terrorist.

   I'm like Crisco in a can. White, round and filled with fat.

   I applied for a job at Bed Bath & Beyond. They put me in the Beyond department.

   “I like smoking a pipe of sweet hemp.” – Abraham Lincoln

   Taco bell always makes me wonder, who ate this burrito before I did.

   Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea...if you add commas.

   So you are changing your iPhone 5 with iPhone 6 just for an inch? Hope your girlfriend won't do the same.

   Names of missing plane's pilots announced: Wer Ar Wi and No Wan No....

   Q) Why was the Snowman so happy? A) He saw the SnowBlower coming!!!!