Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Does this suicide bomb vest make me look fat?" ~ G@y Terrorist.

   I'm like Crisco in a can. White, round and filled with fat.

   I applied for a job at Bed Bath & Beyond. They put me in the Beyond department.

   “I like smoking a pipe of sweet hemp.” – Abraham Lincoln

   Taco bell always makes me wonder, who ate this burrito before I did.

   Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea...if you add commas.

   So you are changing your iPhone 5 with iPhone 6 just for an inch? Hope your girlfriend won't do the same.

   Names of missing plane's pilots announced: Wer Ar Wi and No Wan No....

   Q) Why was the Snowman so happy? A) He saw the SnowBlower coming!!!!

   Yahoo: More Americans convinced of climate change after extreme weather.... Ugh no maybe just your liberal writer thinks that. It's called summer, in 6 months the same person will write global warming again because its fcking cold out.

   I just learned of a new Bullsh!t double standard today For cops.. It is illegal as he!! for civilians to drive n talk on a cellphone without a hands free device, (which is a good Law).. But appearently cops are exempt from this law. How is that right?

   has a dog with no legs named Cigarette. Everyday I put on his leash and take him out for a drag.

   its the weekend so live it up, charge it down, puff it off, smash a line, blow out blind and destroy your mind!!

   If I look like I'm being bashful chances are I'm just trying to cover my nose, because when you talk I can smell your teeth dying.

   printing off a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills

   Cruises: Floating Golden Corrals with drunk people.

   Listening to Obama is like experiencing Deja Moo. You feel as if you've heard this bull before.

   ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.

   how do you know you are at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like $h!t

   Child protective services? Who's protecting the parents Huh? WHO'S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?