Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not mean to poor people, like I am now.

   Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff....Duh dum chhsh!

   The Native Americans used every part of the iPhone,,, even the stocks app and game center.

   So who is going to go see Jaws 19 in 3d with me tonight?

   We prayed for France and Lebanon now let's take a moment of silence and Pray for Ronda Rousey 🙏🏼🙏🏼

   Let me get this straight: The passports of the 9/11 terrorists, of those on the MH17, and of one of the Paris bombers - all survived! I don't know about you but I think it's time we started making clothes out of passports!

   "Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me."...*shakes tambourine ... "Got any others?"... *shakes tambourine... "Hmmm,,, Sounds a lot like the last one"

   anyone else gonna run for President or is this all we have?

   I'm amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I'm still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!

   I'm not sure where Crimea is, but I assume it's somewhere near Chicago

   Science shows having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

   What if I told you I could make you talk like an Irish Sailor? Repeat after me: WHALE OIL BEEF HOOKED

   Guess Harrison Ford didn't like my hide snakes on plane prank.....

   PRO TIP: If you see a distressed woman scraming about her lost baby, don't offer to help her make a new one.

   I'm not saying I believe in the zombie apocalypse. I'm just saying Walmart.

   Only thing that's truly secular in the world is stupidity. It's found across all religion without fail.

   Since Kanye couln't get Kim a start on Hollywood he put on her hand. Must be nice to be RICH you arragant crap rapper!!

   I suck at sleep.

   it gets worse, 19 consecutive posts. You should be a comedian

   A friend is like a good bra: hard to find, comfortable, supportive, always lifts you up, makes you look better, never lets you down or leaves you hanging, and always close to your heart.