Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Spotify, safe for work does not translate to safe for my masculinity when Backstreet Boys - As Long As You Love Me, goes blaring through the shop. It probably didn't help that I knew all the words and the dance from the video either.

   Me: What's the capital of Ohio?.... Son:.?... Me: It's also a famous explorer.... Son: Dora? ... Me: Yep,, Dora, Ohio.

   I think this whole "heck in a hand basket" thing started,, when no one noticed the fresh prince gets out of the taxi without paying.

   You can lose weight but unfortunately you can't lose ugly.

   A TED talk about how to pass gas in the office and make it look like somebody else did it.

   You dating 3 people and you say you are in a relationship!!! Lol nah you are in a group activity.

   WhatsApp now has 2 blue ticks when the person has read the message. I guess I can't ignore people on purpose anymore.

   I'm "flirting with strangers on the internet" years married.

   It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.

   If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not mean to poor people, like I am now.

   Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff....Duh dum chhsh!

   The Native Americans used every part of the iPhone,,, even the stocks app and game center.

   So who is going to go see Jaws 19 in 3d with me tonight?

   We prayed for France and Lebanon now let's take a moment of silence and Pray for Ronda Rousey 🙏🏼🙏🏼

   Let me get this straight: The passports of the 9/11 terrorists, of those on the MH17, and of one of the Paris bombers - all survived! I don't know about you but I think it's time we started making clothes out of passports!

   "Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me."...*shakes tambourine ... "Got any others?"... *shakes tambourine... "Hmmm,,, Sounds a lot like the last one"

   anyone else gonna run for President or is this all we have?

   I'm amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I'm still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!

   I'm not sure where Crimea is, but I assume it's somewhere near Chicago

   Science shows having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die