Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ice cream never asks silly questions. Ice cream understands.

   "Will you love me forever?" She asked. "Of course." I replied, lying beside her...

   I was going to start taking self defence lessons but I decided on algebra instead. I heard there's safety in numbers

   USA Today should just change their name to USA Day Before Yesterday...

   Buying your girlfriend tampons is not that hard! Just wait until you have to get your wife 'jumbo diaper afterbirth thingies.'

   There's a song written for every mood I'm in. It's like Eminem "gets me."

   I calculate how many girls ive been with the same way you convert °C to °F. Take the real figure, double it & add 30.

   I love watching my husband sleep so peacefully. It gives me time to plot all the ways I can take him out should the time come someday.

   You ever typed slower than your mind thinks? Yeah that just happened to me...... It was funny in my head, but when I read it I was like...clearly to much beer!

   The Internet. All of the piracy, none of the scurvy.

   Dudes: Women LOVE IT, when you're man enough to just walk away from an argument... Unless the argument is with THEM. Then... YOU'RE a PUSS!

   When discussing geology and erosion, I often get sedimental and break down.

   Free the mind and the ass will follow

   Teach me to fish...With the price of fishing licences, it would be cheaper to just buy the little b@stards!

   The cop thought I was texting and driving so I pulled down my pants and showed him why I was smiling at my crotch.

   Look, it's time they give Scooby Doo a leash to deal with the "Where are you?" questions all the damn time.

   I witnessed an "occupy best buy" last night?

   Please tell me there is not a game of naming one thing you want from now til Christmas

   A mind without laughter is a dangerous place to pitch a tent...

   You know you spend too much time on facebook when you want to 'like' someone's text message.