Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Get out of my dreams and into my car. Get out of my car and into my bed. Get out of my bed, and out of my house. I gotta be up early.

   I am terribly sorry about the inspirational p osts. My dealer gave me inspirational weed.

   more arrogance than Rick 'The Model' Martel

   I don't know who all these people in stock photos are, but I've never met anyone who was so happy to be in a meeting.

   5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.

   You know what they say. So I guess I don’t have to tell you.

   "Great, another three-day work week. FML!" ~ My Liver.

   My new pick-up line: "I have a full tank of gas!"

   Chum; It's like Hershey Kisses for sharks.

   Congratulations to Kim, Kanye and baby Cthulhu! The end is nigh...

   Note to self: you never read these notes, so stop writing them.

   ladies stop complaining about not being able to find a nice guy who's not a player or cheats open your eyes i'm right here

   It would be cool if Chick-Fil-A replaced the muppet toys with boy scout action figures.......

   Because of gas prices,, the Motor Trend Car of the Year for 2012 is walking.

   Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back into the ocean so he can be in his natural habitat

   I'm not saying she is a slut, but she has been on more wieners than heinz ketchup

   It seems Prince Harry exposed the Crown Jewels while playing "Strip Pool" in Las Vegas. This begs the questions as to whether or not he followed up with a rousing game of "Hide the Scepter" ...

   Eminem is the only man in the world who could make fun of Taylor Swift without her writing a song about it."

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich... I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

   early predictions have hurricane Isaac causing $50 million in improvements to New Orleans...