Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Angry drunks have everyone's phone number.

   ave you ever thought about this..."How does your stomach know to send the burps to the mouth and the farts to your bum?....

   Gaining weight and growing a beard counts as multi-tasking right?

   during the local christmas parade tonight, the local hospital had a float that read "more than a hospital"...yeah, they're also a morgue

   I lowered my goals to just "avoid poverty or try dying..."

   I’m depressed and a bit humbled. I just found out Gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a Japanese horror movie monster.

   Sorry,, But that last like I gave you, contained traces of horsemeat.

   Get out of my dreams and into my car. Get out of my car and into my bed. Get out of my bed, and out of my house. I gotta be up early.

   I am terribly sorry about the inspirational p osts. My dealer gave me inspirational weed.

   more arrogance than Rick 'The Model' Martel

   I don't know who all these people in stock photos are, but I've never met anyone who was so happy to be in a meeting.

   5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.

   You know what they say. So I guess I don’t have to tell you.

   "Great, another three-day work week. FML!" ~ My Liver.

   My new pick-up line: "I have a full tank of gas!"

   Chum; It's like Hershey Kisses for sharks.

   Congratulations to Kim, Kanye and baby Cthulhu! The end is nigh...

   Note to self: you never read these notes, so stop writing them.

   ladies stop complaining about not being able to find a nice guy who's not a player or cheats open your eyes i'm right here

   It would be cool if Chick-Fil-A replaced the muppet toys with boy scout action figures.......