Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

   I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”

   We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

   It took McDonald's 30 years to serve breakfast all day and now they won't shut up bragging about it...

   The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run, sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   Next time my cat has some friends over, I'm going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

   My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away

   No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.

   People who have permission to call me honey, sugar or sweetie: 1. Truck stop waitresses 2. That’s it

   "Back in my day, Smurfs used to be smaller" -We're watching Avatar, grandma

   If restaraunt napkins ever become currency, my glove box will become Fort Knox.

   No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine

   We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.

   I like confusing kids by telling them I'm older than the internet

   The difference between "fetish" and "felony" is checking beforehand

   Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"

   The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.

   Today my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she said I was the other guy.

   R.I.P. Rodney King...I'm not quite sure, but getting drunk and smoking "hippy lettuce" in the pool seems to be about as good of an idea as hiring Robert Wagner to be your swim coach...just sayin!