Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are you on a date with me or with your phone? Just make sure that phone pays your share of this bill by the end of the night.

   Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he’s gonna get to wear it.

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf

   My resume is basically a list of things I hate to do.

   Next time my cat has some friends over, I'm going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

   My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away

   No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.

   People who have permission to call me honey, sugar or sweetie: 1. Truck stop waitresses 2. That’s it

   "Back in my day, Smurfs used to be smaller" -We're watching Avatar, grandma

   If restaraunt napkins ever become currency, my glove box will become Fort Knox.

   No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine

   We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.

   I like confusing kids by telling them I'm older than the internet

   The difference between "fetish" and "felony" is checking beforehand

   Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"

   I miss the good old days before social media when adults acted like four year olds in private.

   Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn't have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.

   They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.

   Answering your cell when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.

   The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.