Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm up way too early for someone who wasn't planning on seizing the day.

   Another long day at the office. Well, for someone. I was home on the couch watching TV all day.

   You know that you are broke when your bologna has no first name.

   when I was a kid I always wanted to see the face of the fat lady in "Tom & Jerry"

   I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it

   Everytime I enter a porta potty I feel like I have to confess my sins..

   These dating sites keep setting me up with weirdos, then I realized that they match you with people with similar interests.

   You say I'm dirty minded but how did you understand what I meant?

   It was better back when you could look under a bottle cap and see you won instantly, rather than this entering a code online thing they have now. I want to look under the cap and see "YOU WON!" instead of ED34GH....

   You know that little voice in your head that tells you "No?" Yeeeah, mine died a long time ago.

   Hey youtubers, if your clip wasn't funny the first time around chances are reshowing it in slow mo isn't going to make it any funnier.

   I live the same as I type: Fast and with lots of mistakes.

   If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wonders.

   It may take a village to raise a child. But it only takes one condom to save them the hassle.

   Am I sexually active? YES! I get screwed at the gas station once a WEEK!

   So they really buried Osama in the ocean..Did Americans not learn their lesson when they buried Megatron?!

   It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

   Attention Al Qaeda recruits: Due to recent events, practice on the hand over hand monkeybars will be cancelled indefinitely.

   They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.

   The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.