Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If any of you guys get to hell before me, save me a seat at the bar

   I guess its official. Baby New Year is a boy again, and everyone's already waiting for his ball to drop.

   Just because I'm not in a good mood doesn't mean I don't want sex

   Ladies, It don't matter how tall or how short you are...but there is a weight limit

   Merry Half-Christmas! Enjoy the holiday, everyone.....

   Live each day like someone's paying for drinks

   The best part about being a plumber a friend told me is you can tell a snobby old rich lady that she needs a new ballcock with a straight face...

   Oh great. The 50 shades of grey movie comes out Valentine's day... I'm Not opposed to seeing it, my issue is if not going to first showing off day, odds go up exponentially as the day goes on that you'll be sitting in a wet chair.

   I think states are over looking the Dr Kevorkian method. Enough said. . .

   How much for the love drug? Sir, that's chloroform

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that the Chief or Police is always bl@ck.

   I think I will go for a drive, just to pick my nose. . .

   Biologically Speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

   If you say you can’t cook what you're really saying is that you can’t read and follow directions.

   If I could do the Jedi mind trick, I would get an insane amount of oral sex.

   I learned all my fighting moves from mortalkombat basically it's just me jumping and somersaulting until the other person gets tired&leaves

   I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it though.

   I'd rather take it doggy from Liberace on my grandmothers gravesite while Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth is playing than watch Twilight.

   I hate waking up after a night of drinking to realize I spent a bunch of money on something stupid. Anyway, I'm off to the airport to pick up my Russian mail order bride.

   does fantasizing about the cheerleaders count as "fantasy football"?