Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Favorite color is Booze!!

   Feels like I spooned an aggressive hedgehog last night.

   I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

   My dream pet would be a mermaid.

   Horse d'oeuvres anyone?

   Some people are born mature, and some need it thrust upon them. Tehehe... thrust.

   suing Trojan...It didn't blow my hair back!!!

   I just set off the airport metal detector with my abs of steel.

   It's Ok to kiss a fool, it's ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you

   "I used to love her, but I had to kill her" ~~ Guns & Roses celebrating Valentines alone, probably....

   It's Valentine's day. Tell us about how lonely you are, we all care so much!

   going to the bar horny is like going grocery shopping on an empty stomach, you always come home with more than you needed

   My house looks like a tornado sat around on Facebook all day.

   YOLO: You Obviously Love Oreos

   I'd like to thank my digestive system for getting rid of all the sh!t in my life, without you I'd be full of it!

   Don't let the bad weather get you down. It's not the end of the world. That's not for another 10 months.

   My Mama is gonna be so mad when she realizes how much drama I have saved for her.

   If the facebook app gets any slower my timeline will be going backward

   I don't get this hole poking thing.

   That chick has been passed around more than blame.