Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   69… you get what you give!

   Judging by the fact that you wear Crocs, there is no way I will walk any distance in your shoes.

   I've given up begging my girlfriend to swallow. From now on, she can deal with her anorexia on her own.

   Today was really good !!! My ex saw me with my new girl at the mall at lunch , I'm guessing my ex had a huge peanut and jealous sandwich washed down by a nice bottle of "hateraide" !!

   A boy writes to Santa asking for a brother and receives a reply back from Santa send me your mother

   You know what would really be epic? If people would stop using the work epic when describing things that actually aren't.

   So that means when its 2013 next year, the century will be a teenager and not talk to us, and will know everything

   Aahhh, 2012 is here. This year, I will try to look on the bright side of things, to see the positive in all situations, to see my RED SOLO CUP half full :)

   Ladies; Take care of your eyes, they're the only balls you have.

   "I love to cook with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food."

   I can just imagine a conversation between Mike Jones and an owl...

   Just saw a redhead drinking Ginger Ale. It looks to be making him stronger. We must stop him before it's too late.

   My Favorite color is Booze!!

   Feels like I spooned an aggressive hedgehog last night.

   I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

   My dream pet would be a mermaid.

   Horse d'oeuvres anyone?

   Some people are born mature, and some need it thrust upon them. Tehehe... thrust.

   suing Trojan...It didn't blow my hair back!!!

   I just set off the airport metal detector with my abs of steel.