Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want the most accurate, real-time weather reports, look out your damn window.

   A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course he survived the crash.

   I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it.

   I'm starting to think the Jackson family might have some problems.

   The world is made up of kids who can't wait to grow up...and adults who wish they hadn't.

   Uh-oh. My guardian angel just enrolled in the witness protection program.

   I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.

   If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that works opposite hours than you so you never have to see them.

   watchin' the Fall leaves dance in the wind..... Hopefully, their Waltz will end up in the neighbor's yard! : )~

   I can't believe Google is c0cky enough to start guessing after one letter.

   I'm no longer addicted to carving jack-o-lanterns. All thanks to the pumpkin patch.

   Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100

   The devil and I go way back. It all started that day we were playing with matches!

   I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking then you, and standing next to her you look ugly.

   I'm tired of the Police ruining my fun, they said it's "Illegal" to take up an entire aisle in toy section at Walmart by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

   They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We'll see.

   Today's level of difficulty is shaping up to be "Wheelie on a unicycle."

   Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.

   We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.