Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..... WOW ..... I just found my pet rock my father gave me back in the 70's ...... Amazingly enough it was STILL ALIVE!!!

   I will never understand deer....napping beside the highway. Very dangerous!

   I suggest the Jets put Tim Tebow at cornerback to replace Darrell Revis. Nobody can keep the football away from receivers like he can.

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

   That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill a cat.

   I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.

   A slut on Facebook who used to post semi-nude pics of herself has just posted a bible verse. There is hope and redemption for everyone after all.

   I think it's pointless to haggle over price with hookers when you're just going to kill them anyway and take your money back.

   Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.

   If your girlfriend is not a Psycho then she isn't in love.

   The mighty pancake village has been razed to the ground by my fork of Nom and I, its wielder..

   Don't ignore my texts, I know you check your phone 24/7.

   it drinko de Mayo or cinco de drinko? F*uck it, I'm just getting drunko...

   I'm here to kick ass and mispronounce names.

   If you were cyberbullied by me or my gang on the wii tennis forums,,,, I apologize. I have grown a lot since then.

   You can't buy happiness, But you can buy weed. And that's kind of the same thing.

   How much of this Lucky Charms cereal do I have to eat before I get lucky tonight? Currently on box 37.....

   Nasty bumper sticker: My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Student.

   Tongue rings make no sense to me, esp if you're a dude.

   Lets see do I root for the Gators or the Hurricanes today? Aaron Hernandez -3(murders) or Ray Lewis +3(murders).