Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think it's pointless to haggle over price with hookers when you're just going to kill them anyway and take your money back.

   Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.

   If your girlfriend is not a Psycho then she isn't in love.

   The mighty pancake village has been razed to the ground by my fork of Nom and I, its wielder..

   Don't ignore my texts, I know you check your phone 24/7.

   it drinko de Mayo or cinco de drinko? F*uck it, I'm just getting drunko...

   I'm here to kick ass and mispronounce names.

   If you were cyberbullied by me or my gang on the wii tennis forums,,,, I apologize. I have grown a lot since then.

   You can't buy happiness, But you can buy weed. And that's kind of the same thing.

   How much of this Lucky Charms cereal do I have to eat before I get lucky tonight? Currently on box 37.....

   Nasty bumper sticker: My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Student.

   Tongue rings make no sense to me, esp if you're a dude.

   Lets see do I root for the Gators or the Hurricanes today? Aaron Hernandez -3(murders) or Ray Lewis +3(murders).

   If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise

   When McDonalds only give you ONE pack of sauce ... <<< Bi&ch I ordered a 20 piece nugget meal , THE F&CK ima do with ONE pack !?

   I just found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me with the Middle Linebacker from Notre Dame.

   I trick girls into 69 by giving them upside down hugs.

   trying to have sex when you're wasted is like trying to play pool with a piece of string

   I feel bad for whoever has to explain the Harlem Shake to Jesus!

   For the first time ever Women's IQ test scores are higher than Men's!......But to keep it fair they didn't include the ''Blondes'' scores!!!