Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can make Romney Noodles Obama self!

   "Do Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

   now has the plans for his deck and about to go get the lumber! Does anyone know where I can pick up some illegal aliens to come build it?

   thinks it would be hysterical if Brad and Angelina's daughter, Shiloh Pitt, turned out to be dyslexic.

   Roses are red, on St. Patricks were green, don't party too hard tonight, you are not Charlie Sheen!

   Hey black guys with the long, braided hair; you look ridiculous, please don't kill me...

   Be patient freaks, give it a few more years and you will be able to marry your dog

   Scientists have found a ground breaking, all natural way to cure insomnia. They call it church.

   if you ever feel bad or depressed, just remember you were once the fastest most victorious sperm in the bunch!!

   Joe Biden just came by for a visit. It's funny because by the time he leaves, the toilet's never flushed and the cat's always pregnant.

   Anybody on Meth need a job??? I'm opening a haunted house soon & I need zombies

   I'm watching one of those shows where an ugly dude preaches and pretends to heal people. It's called "Oprah"

   Anyone had a bottle of Evian lately? Tastes a little plane.

   All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don't get into relationships.

   I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets. Everything. And when we’re together, my past seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might have never met you.

   Interrsting they're protesting everywhere but America....Pu$$ies

   Dear cops, Please stop pretending you never drank before you were 21. Sincerely, you're not fooling anyone!

   Apple is coming out with a new phone. It's called the Lebron james edition. It's silent and has no rings

   I beat my girl at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.

   Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.