Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So the guy in Miami who ate that other dude's face was NOT on bath salts, just weed. What kind of weed gives you the munchies for hobo face?

   I was delivered by C-section. I think thats what led me to have such low self esteem...Why wasnt I worthy of and A or at least B-Section..

   Direct TV can't afford their bill with Viacom..... Guess they shouldn't have spent all their money making that miniature Giraffe for the commercials.

   I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the sh!t out of.

   all those people watching the "Royal Wedding" and not one dentist passing out business cards... wtf?

   After years of frowning at us and shaking their heads disapprovingly,we find out that the sanctimonious "goody two shoes" Canadians are bad losers. I feel better about myself.

   I can make Romney Noodles Obama self!

   "Do Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

   now has the plans for his deck and about to go get the lumber! Does anyone know where I can pick up some illegal aliens to come build it?

   thinks it would be hysterical if Brad and Angelina's daughter, Shiloh Pitt, turned out to be dyslexic.

   I prefer to take my quarantine recommendations from scientists, not the guy with 3 teeth and a beer-stained wife beater.

   Roses are red, on St. Patricks were green, don't party too hard tonight, you are not Charlie Sheen!

   Hey black guys with the long, braided hair; you look ridiculous, please don't kill me...

   Be patient freaks, give it a few more years and you will be able to marry your dog

   Scientists have found a ground breaking, all natural way to cure insomnia. They call it church.

   if you ever feel bad or depressed, just remember you were once the fastest most victorious sperm in the bunch!!

   Joe Biden just came by for a visit. It's funny because by the time he leaves, the toilet's never flushed and the cat's always pregnant.

   Anybody on Meth need a job??? I'm opening a haunted house soon & I need zombies

   I'm watching one of those shows where an ugly dude preaches and pretends to heal people. It's called "Oprah"

   Interrsting they're protesting everywhere but America....Pu$$ies