Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   Respect must be earned by a sitting President these days.....

   men go to the bars to get laid and women go there to tease

   Some dare devils pull crazy stunts by flipping cars... I just did the ultimate stunt and flipped my mattress! I have a few cuts and brushes, but I'll be OK!

   I Think Someone From Eastenders Should Go And Kill Someone From Coronation Street.....What A Plot

   I Don't know how to have a good marriage. But I do know how to have a bad one. so I just wont do those things.

   Looks like we're ready for Halloween trick or treaters. Tested the sprinkler system and it's working.

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   At least Buffalo Bill gave his prisoners lotion and a basket.

   DNC senators: Ha ha ha swear to be impartial even though I know this is a coup and it has no grounds

   24 million would lose coverage under Trumpcare. But on the bright side... um...er...um... BENGHAZI!!!

   He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

   Obama has disgraced the memory of the black U.S. presidents that came before him.

   If Hillary wins it means way too many illegal mexicans are voting

   Never try to reason with a person who wants to save every stray animal alive but is fine with killing 3,000 babies a day...

   I prefer to take my quarantine recommendations from scientists, not the guy with 3 teeth and a beer-stained wife beater.

   I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the sh!t out of.

   all those people watching the "Royal Wedding" and not one dentist passing out business cards... wtf?

   After years of frowning at us and shaking their heads disapprovingly,we find out that the sanctimonious "goody two shoes" Canadians are bad losers. I feel better about myself.