Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Movie "Independance Day" is SO unrealistic.. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & NOT ONCE did it ask if he wanted to upgrade his Adobe.

   Just had a dude wink at me and I felt my clit try to crawl inside my v@gina

   wants to attract a lot of guys this halloween so I'll be dressing up as a case of beer!! Burrrrrrp

   Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and I'll bet you're in the Mafia.

   Long Island Iced Tea drinks should be called "Learn to Plank in one evening."

   Get naked. I'm ready to ruin your loneliness.

   What would happen if you hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   I hate ppl and their fake diseases: ADD is not an excuse for ur stupidity...

   If you're a man who adds extra letters to words like "Heyyy" or "Thanksss", you should be really ashamed of yourself.

   The instructions on the shampoo were not clear enough and now I need help removing the bottle from my ass :'(

   Ive been to many second hand stores in my day and never have I come across a rasberry beret

   I want to make a puzzle that says "Get a job you loser" after its completed.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone caught me dancing & singing to 90's songs in my car I could afford to tint these windows.

   Last night I tried to hang myself with about 20 bungee cords... If you're wondering,,, I almost died a bunch of times

   So what, if Mayans got it all wrong, its not the end of the world!!!

   No need to get in shape for me. At work, I get enough exercise by jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing co-workers in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck! 

   When I get married: we're having all kinds of sex.. Where you been Sex..Random Sex.. Angry Sex.. We're out of sugar Sex...After eating KFC Sex

   "I'm just sayin. It'd be better without the raisins." ------[ Everything with raisins ]

   Happy Hump Day means zip to the 15% who work weekends, the 30% who do six days a week, 8% unemployed, 10% disabled, 15% on call, and the 20% who are retired. To the 2% that this actually applies to....bl0w me.

   Girls: All guys are a*seholes!. Me: Nooo they're not, I'm right here!!!! :(