Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

   i'm so unlucky,,, if I fell in a bucket of t!t'$ ,,,, i'd come out sucking my thumb!

   If you were at a Beatles tribute concert and you fell and hurt yourself, what would you yell?

   OK, How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

   The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it's true... time wounds all heels.

   I wanna thank my mom for being there for me when I needed money for drugs & beer.. you're the best!!

   I will be your Santa if you'll be my hoe hoe hoe!!!

   Why the hell is a group of Kangaroos NOT called a Kangacrew?

   People, I'm late for everything!!! I would make the worst period.

   What I like about you: the way you hold me tight, you know how to dance, you come over at night. Everything else about you repulses me.

   The Movie "Independance Day" is SO unrealistic.. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & NOT ONCE did it ask if he wanted to upgrade his Adobe.

   Just had a dude wink at me and I felt my clit try to crawl inside my v@gina

   wants to attract a lot of guys this halloween so I'll be dressing up as a case of beer!! Burrrrrrp

   Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and I'll bet you're in the Mafia.

   Long Island Iced Tea drinks should be called "Learn to Plank in one evening."

   Get naked. I'm ready to ruin your loneliness.

   What would happen if you hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   I hate ppl and their fake diseases: ADD is not an excuse for ur stupidity...

   If you're a man who adds extra letters to words like "Heyyy" or "Thanksss", you should be really ashamed of yourself.

   The instructions on the shampoo were not clear enough and now I need help removing the bottle from my ass :'(