Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it just me or the New Facebook Layout kinda looks like the ol Myspace? O_o

   If it weren't for texting driving would be so boring!

   This status contains no juice.

   I dont always drink tequila,but when I do,I get f**king beligerent...stay away from me my friends!

   God gave me the ability to pee and brush my teeth at the same time. I'm like the Tim Tebow of he bathroom.

   I can't afford a police siren so I just taped a crying baby to the top of my car. It's working, people are moving out of my way.

   Boycott IHOP!,,,, And only buy domestic.

   Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I have alzheimer's.................hey I just met you.

   I don't hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank! (".)

   Fat Tuesday, the day obese people look forward to. The day they think it's socially acceptable to wear leggings and belly shirts. It's not.

   Welcome to the Betty Ford Clinic, my name is Charlie and I'll be your bartender for the evening. What'll ya have?

   My mates a transvestite - He likes to eat, drink and be Mary

   If men can go around joggin shirtless... I believe "SOME" women should be able to do the same as well!

   My friend said, "I don't like Budweiser or Coors, I only drink Corona." And I said, "I'm like a beer slut, I drink anything."

   "I wasn't that drunk" 'Dude, you were in my closet yelling "Where's Narnia"

   as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE), "Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM), "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER) or "Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA). Please re-post to raise awareness."

   I like watching hoarders...it makes my house look clean

   Facebook Skype: now married people can cheat via Skype while watering their crops on FarmVille.

   What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.

   speedwalks everywhere, and is afraid of toilets…the two are not related...really...