Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it's true... time wounds all heels.

   I wanna thank my mom for being there for me when I needed money for drugs & beer.. you're the best!!

   Happy National Dog Day to all da bitches.

   Date a girl who watches football with you and lets you grab her ass during commercials.

   Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

   i'm so unlucky,,, if I fell in a bucket of t!t'$ ,,,, i'd come out sucking my thumb!

   I really miss your face... between my thighs.

   WAIT BEYONCE MY LEFT OR YOUR LEFT

   "Taco Bell reminds me of my abuela's cooking when I was growing up." - said no Juan ever

   I will be your Santa if you'll be my hoe hoe hoe!!!

   Why the hell is a group of Kangaroos NOT called a Kangacrew?

   People, I'm late for everything!!! I would make the worst period.

   What I like about you: the way you hold me tight, you know how to dance, you come over at night. Everything else about you repulses me.

   Auto correct is my worst enema.

   LIKE if you know someone who needs a smack in the face with a shovel.

   Time is not wasted, when your wasted all the time" ~Benjamin Franklin (I think.)

   (づ▶__◢)づ︻┳デ═一 say YOLO one more time.

   Statistically speaking, roughy 118% of all people over-exaggerate.

   My will stipulates that I'm to be buried with an air pump so that I can inflate my underground enemies during any wild games of Dig Dug.

   *When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick*