Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Statistically speaking, roughy 118% of all people over-exaggerate.

   My will stipulates that I'm to be buried with an air pump so that I can inflate my underground enemies during any wild games of Dig Dug.

   *When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick*

   When a deaf person sees me yawn, do they think I'm screaming?

   Hallmark, I'll go 50/50 on this card with you: "Moisten your inbox, baby; this Valentine's coming in hard."

   Life is sexually transmitted.

   If your woman is feeling down, be there to feel her up!

   Ladies need to learn how to moan during sex, some of you women be sounding like wrestlers

   Tim Tebow is staying in the pocket longer than the condom I had in Jr. High

   F#cked up like a Snake in a Lawnmower

   Albert Pujols $250M baseball contract is totally unfair. He should give some of those $ to players who aren't nearly as good. WTF, we should occupy his house.......

   That sh1tty moment when ur CapriSun doesn't have a straw.

   When you can't find the remote, all trust is gone. Me: "Have you seen the remote?" Sis: "No??" Me: "Stand the f*ck up!!"

   Fact: Women are the leading cause of herpes. How do I know? It isn't called "HISpes" is it?

   it just me or the New Facebook Layout kinda looks like the ol Myspace? O_o

   If it weren't for texting driving would be so boring!

   This status contains no juice.

   I dont always drink tequila,but when I do,I get f**king beligerent...stay away from me my friends!

   God gave me the ability to pee and brush my teeth at the same time. I'm like the Tim Tebow of he bathroom.

   I can't afford a police siren so I just taped a crying baby to the top of my car. It's working, people are moving out of my way.