Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

   The smoke alarm just went off....dinners ready!

   Auto correct is my worst enema.

   LIKE if you know someone who needs a smack in the face with a shovel.

   Time is not wasted, when your wasted all the time" ~Benjamin Franklin (I think.)

   (づ▶__◢)づ︻┳デ═一 say YOLO one more time.

   Statistically speaking, roughy 118% of all people over-exaggerate.

   My will stipulates that I'm to be buried with an air pump so that I can inflate my underground enemies during any wild games of Dig Dug.

   *When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick*

   When a deaf person sees me yawn, do they think I'm screaming?

   Hallmark, I'll go 50/50 on this card with you: "Moisten your inbox, baby; this Valentine's coming in hard."

   Life is sexually transmitted.

   If your woman is feeling down, be there to feel her up!

   Ladies need to learn how to moan during sex, some of you women be sounding like wrestlers

   Tim Tebow is staying in the pocket longer than the condom I had in Jr. High

   F#cked up like a Snake in a Lawnmower

   Albert Pujols $250M baseball contract is totally unfair. He should give some of those $ to players who aren't nearly as good. WTF, we should occupy his house.......

   That sh1tty moment when ur CapriSun doesn't have a straw.

   When you can't find the remote, all trust is gone. Me: "Have you seen the remote?" Sis: "No??" Me: "Stand the f*ck up!!"

   Fact: Women are the leading cause of herpes. How do I know? It isn't called "HISpes" is it?