Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thank you for trojan for sending the defective condom in the pack my parents bought, thanks to you, I'M HERE!!! Happy Fathers day DAD!!!!!

   got a nice little stomach bug last night. I must have gone to the bathroom at least 30 times today. Now I know how Jake Gyllenhaal must have felt crawling out of that tent the next morning.

   unpeeling the stickers on her Rubix Cube then putting them back on to solve it

   Inventor of Segway drives it off cliff to his death. Bet he wishes he would have invented a hang glider.

   If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters.

   Dude that girl that was at the party is dating a little person. He just came in with a mini keg and I laughed at him then he flipped me off with a little person finger and I laughed harder and they made me leave. come and get me...

   Gavin Rossdale has admitted to a gay fling when he was younger.. In a related story, a gay dude admitted to making sh!tty music for 15 years.

   everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

   I hit my snooze button so much on my alarm clock I renamed it Tina Turner.....or Luca.

   Hey Vi@gra, you have a real competition for curing the erectile dysfunction... it's called divorce.

   To honor John Lennon's death, Newt Gingrich suggests hiring children from poor neighborhoods to clean Yoko's bathrooms.

   wasnt that drunk...... "Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in Toy Story"

   B.O.B = Bacon Over B!tches

   "I wasnt that drunk.." ... "bro you threw my parrot into a wall screaming "ANGRY BIRDS! " @___@

   Youtube isn't just popular because of the videos, its popular because of the attractive video TITLES.

   ■Does anyone else realize that in about 40 years, we'll have a million of old ladies shuffling around with tattoos?........ ( all I can say is ,,Ha,Ha,! )

   When I'm down on a woman I'm never thinking outside of the box.

   I found a butterfly on the ground that had no wings. So, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... it drowned.

   Ugly hoes, you can NOT have attitudes! You need to be nice, cause your looks sure ain't getting you nowhere!!!!

   Just remember - there's no 'I' in gangbang