Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm drunk and in the woods, I always have the urge to try to juggle squirrels.

   thank you for trojan for sending the defective condom in the pack my parents bought, thanks to you, I'M HERE!!! Happy Fathers day DAD!!!!!

   got a nice little stomach bug last night. I must have gone to the bathroom at least 30 times today. Now I know how Jake Gyllenhaal must have felt crawling out of that tent the next morning.

   everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

   What I don't get is how paper beats a rock. It should be changed to Rock, Bomb With A Cuttable Fuse, Scissors.

   I am good at posting statuses with percentages that I pulled out my ass. If you are one of these people or know someone who is, please repost this. 97.4% won't copy and paste this. : )

   dont cry because it is 0ver....smile because it happened..!!

   ..lost £50 on the Super Bowl. That's the last time I bet on a horse.

   Selling his soul for a bag of skittles.

   Hey. Did everything just taste purple for a second?

   unpeeling the stickers on her Rubix Cube then putting them back on to solve it

   Inventor of Segway drives it off cliff to his death. Bet he wishes he would have invented a hang glider.

   If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters.

   Dude that girl that was at the party is dating a little person. He just came in with a mini keg and I laughed at him then he flipped me off with a little person finger and I laughed harder and they made me leave. come and get me...

   Gavin Rossdale has admitted to a gay fling when he was younger.. In a related story, a gay dude admitted to making sh!tty music for 15 years.

   If a large group of lions is a Pride, what is a large group of housecats? Shame.

   heard that actor Mel Gibson had phoned several trusted friends for advice on how to handle his situation with girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. They included Alec Baldwin, Chris Brown, Michael Richards, Archie Bunker and the ghost of Gary Coleman.

   I don't know why some girls refuse to use a porta-potty. It's not like us men pee on the seat on purpose...geesh:)

   They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was going to go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.

   Spain or Germany??? --Spermany!