Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My four year old understands leverage and negotiation better than Trump.

   did the Trump campaign even Google Mike Pence?

   "There is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home." -- Hillary Clinton, probably

   The crappy thing is,,, there are people that will vote for Trump,,, but would punish their kids for just saying the word "Pu$$y".

   My redneck cousin from Virginia ordered a shake at the McDonald's drive-thru just seconds before the quake hit. Said he never expected such fast service.

   stocking up on Hurricanes for the hurricane

   Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

   there's no fool like an old fool. But some of you young fools are showing real promise!

   Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

   check my math here...but isn't the square root of 69, eight sumthin

   I got first draft in my fantasy foosball team. Once again, my top pick: the plastic dude with the metal rod through his torso.

   Why does everyone love dolphins so much? They're mammals that can breathe under water and they're smarter than us. We should be worried.

   umm can I have a coke?” “is pepsi ok?” “I dont know is monopoly money ok?”

   If these walls could talk, they'd say "OH GOD, This HURTS! Get these nails out of me! Why did you paint me Mauve? Make it stop!"

   I was on my driving lesson when the instructor said, "You need to change gear." I said, "Sorry I just feel comfortable dressed as a scuba diver."

   Have you noticed in movies they ask someone wearing a mask "who are you?"

   It's a dog eat dog world...In case you didn't realize before hand...I eat puppies for breakfast.

   If you see Ghost Rider backwards is about a dead guy who after eating the soul of a demon and is punish becoming Nicolas Cage

   Definition of a guy who knows nothing about women: A guy who thinks PMS is that american tv channel that shows like Nova and Antiques Roadshow come on.

   After being dumped, everyone should have the right to tie their ex up and interrogate them.