Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't get why everyone blames the craziness on the "full moon".. the moon is ALWAYS there, you just dont see it all the time

   Wouldn't you think that lego people give the perfect hand jobs!?!?!

   Question: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down? Answer: He heard the snowblower coming!

   Liquor? I dont even like her.....

   Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals...

   feels sorry for his girlfriend on days like Valentine's. It's quite difficult not to be with the wife all day.

   Relationship status: wakes up next to an empty bottle of vodka.

   How much dope did the dope dealer deal when the dope dealer did deal dope?

   Everytime gay rights is brought up in North Carolina and Mississippi, every Christian that smokes, drinks, curses, and/or has premarital sex is suddenly concerned with what the Bible allows.

   I always enjoyed Sid's salads

   Obama needs my dope mans friend, brothers little cousin help to fix his Obamacare site, he's pretty f__king good, if you get him high...

   A satisfied woman will roll over and ignore you. If she's wanting "cuddles" then you suck at sex.

   It's not cellulite, it's my body's way of saying "I'm sexy" ...in braille.

   At one point in their life, 90% of all women will have intelligent DNA, unfortunately most will spit it out!

   Worst feeling ever : taking a sh!t in a public bathroom and getting your a$$hole splashed with toilet water.

   I just went through the "10 items or less" line with 12 items...THUG LIFE

   I don't need religion to raise my offspring, I have common sense.

   Kim Kardashian is 32 & she's pregnant, but y'all hoes be 16 with 4 kids and no baby daddy.. & y'all calling her a s?ut? PLEASE, have a seat.

   Heard Bill Clinton on the radio, someone asked how his wife's head was, couldnt help but think probably not as good as Monica's..

   Asian Kid: "Oww I got stung by a bee!" Asian Dad: "WHY YOU NO GET STUNG BY A!?"