Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Harry Potter made wizards cool again, Left 4 Dead made zombies cool again, The Dark Knight made superheroes cool again, Twilight made vampires uncool forever!

   Girls..You know that "amazing" man in your life? News flash...he's fooling you and you're just eating it up.

   Hey, what I do in my car at a red light is my business. Even if it technically did get all over the dashboard and the driver in the next car

   Relationship status: wakes up next to an empty bottle of vodka.

   I always enjoyed Sid's salads

   Everytime gay rights is brought up in North Carolina and Mississippi, every Christian that smokes, drinks, curses, and/or has premarital sex is suddenly concerned with what the Bible allows.

   How much dope did the dope dealer deal when the dope dealer did deal dope?

   Obama needs my dope mans friend, brothers little cousin help to fix his Obamacare site, he's pretty f__king good, if you get him high...

   A satisfied woman will roll over and ignore you. If she's wanting "cuddles" then you suck at sex.

   It's not cellulite, it's my body's way of saying "I'm sexy" ...in braille.

   At one point in their life, 90% of all women will have intelligent DNA, unfortunately most will spit it out!

   Worst feeling ever : taking a sh!t in a public bathroom and getting your a$$hole splashed with toilet water.

   I just went through the "10 items or less" line with 12 items...THUG LIFE

   I don't need religion to raise my offspring, I have common sense.

   Quick Question: Does swimming in debt count as cardio?

   no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   Kim Kardashian is 32 & she's pregnant, but y'all hoes be 16 with 4 kids and no baby daddy.. & y'all calling her a s?ut? PLEASE, have a seat.

   Heard Bill Clinton on the radio, someone asked how his wife's head was, couldnt help but think probably not as good as Monica's..

   Asian Kid: "Oww I got stung by a bee!" Asian Dad: "WHY YOU NO GET STUNG BY A!?"

   "Luke, I am your Father...and your Uncle"- Redneck Darth Vader