Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Advice for today: Puff puff, Pass...don't get greedy.

   If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.

   They call mens shaving cream "Beard buster" so why dont they call womens shaving cream "Bush buster"?

   - A blonde text me and said "What does IDK mean?" I text'd back "I don't know." She then text'd me "Dang that sucks nobody knows!"

   as a true sports fan, and not picking sides the performance of the USA Women's Soccer Team is a BIG STFU to the all the male chauvinist people out there who don't like women's sports

   Took off all the straws on my kids Capri Suns and threw them out the window on my way to work.....THUG LIFE!!

   my mother never understood the irony in calling me a "son-of-a-b*tch"

   Harry Potter made wizards cool again, Left 4 Dead made zombies cool again, The Dark Knight made superheroes cool again, Twilight made vampires uncool forever!

   Girls..You know that "amazing" man in your life? News flash...he's fooling you and you're just eating it up.

   Hey, what I do in my car at a red light is my business. Even if it technically did get all over the dashboard and the driver in the next car

   Relationship status: wakes up next to an empty bottle of vodka.

   I always enjoyed Sid's salads

   Everytime gay rights is brought up in North Carolina and Mississippi, every Christian that smokes, drinks, curses, and/or has premarital sex is suddenly concerned with what the Bible allows.

   How much dope did the dope dealer deal when the dope dealer did deal dope?

   Obama needs my dope mans friend, brothers little cousin help to fix his Obamacare site, he's pretty f__king good, if you get him high...

   A satisfied woman will roll over and ignore you. If she's wanting "cuddles" then you suck at sex.

   It's not cellulite, it's my body's way of saying "I'm sexy" ...in braille.

   At one point in their life, 90% of all women will have intelligent DNA, unfortunately most will spit it out!

   Worst feeling ever : taking a sh!t in a public bathroom and getting your a$$hole splashed with toilet water.

   I just went through the "10 items or less" line with 12 items...THUG LIFE