Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”

   What does OJ have that every man wants? A Heisman trophy and a dead ex-wife!

   It sucks being a Jewish kid, at my birthdays instead of playing pin the tail on the donkey we played pin the eviction notice on the black guy's door.

   Homeless guy in an Obama shirt asked me for change... thought u'd chuckle at that

   "The Avengers" is about 7 "heroes" trying to save the planet. A scary woman, a black guy, a rich guy, a fat nut, a patriotic dude, a guy with a god complex, and one who doesn't belong.... sounds like the Republican Primaries.

   A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 150 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   You know your poop was good if a few minutes after you flush, your toilet burps.

   Putting your iPod on shuffle… “not this one.” (←_←) “or this one.” (←_←) “BINGO!” ~(','~) (~',')~ \('-'\) (/'-')/ \('-'\) (/'-')/

   Don't worry guys, Casey Anthony will eventually go to jail for stealing back her sports memorabilia at gunpoint. Let's just ride this out.

   Last Christmas I gave you my heart. But the very next day you gave it away. This year I'll give it to someone speci....wait a minute! You re-gifted my heart!?!

   Supreme Court rules Arizona police may not stop people they believe are illegal immigrants, but must stop Juggalos.

   Look here Dora....If you ever want to see your monkey friend again you are gonna stick these condoms full of heroin in your ass and get them through customs....

   SWAG = (S)omething (W)e (A)ll (G)et tired of hearing

   If I had a time machine I'd stop OJ from killing those ppl & then nobody would ever know what a Kardashian is.

   Will someone please put this below ret*rd out of his misery. No one should be allowed to be this stupid.

   Hey protesters, while you're marching for equality for something that hasn't even happened yet, why don't you march on over the ND where Native American rights have been getting violated for over a year? Oh, it doesn't affect you. Got it.

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take Rosie O'Donnell too..

   While it was predictable to imagine Trump criticizing John Lewis, it's impossible to imagine him risking his life for the rights of others.

   "A health care deal, his mouth, and his ties to Russia" - What are three things Donald Trump can't close?

   I normally don't brag about exspensive trips but I just got back from the gas station.