Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Homeless guy in an Obama shirt asked me for change... thought u'd chuckle at that

   "The Avengers" is about 7 "heroes" trying to save the planet. A scary woman, a black guy, a rich guy, a fat nut, a patriotic dude, a guy with a god complex, and one who doesn't belong.... sounds like the Republican Primaries.

   It sucks being a Jewish kid, at my birthdays instead of playing pin the tail on the donkey we played pin the eviction notice on the black guy's door.

   how about you jump from cloud 9 to 1, that way you can see my middle finger better !

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

   If Justin Timberlake can bring sexy back, then I can bring Afros back...."This is Humidity and I approve this message"

   Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off...

   the funniest person on Facebook hands down like 6:30!

   fired her masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

   "Don't buy condoms at BP gas stations. They may burst and result in a leak..."

   - Wayne Rooney and Alex Ferguson have changed their relationship status to 'its complicated'... Manchester city 'like this'

   RIP Paul The Psychic Octopus... I wonder if he saw that one coming?

   I would like everyone to know I am almost completely rehabilitated from picking my nose while driving. :)

   it's my birthday... I'm going to treat today like a rental car, and drive it like it's stolen!

   so broke that she's going to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.

   To hell with syncing the Titanic... I named my iPhone "ass" so I could back that ass up.

   Dear Wednesday, I sincerley hate you. Your nothing compared to Friday !!

   doesn't get why everyone blames the craziness on the "full moon".. the moon is ALWAYS there, you just dont see it all the time

   Wouldn't you think that lego people give the perfect hand jobs!?!?!

   Question: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down? Answer: He heard the snowblower coming!