Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I give my cat leftover cat food from the refrigerator he looks at me like I just asked him for a ride to the airport.

   Watching the news is like playing Clue. So how do you think Flynn's going to die? Bannon in the bathroom with a needle.

   Buckwheat was asked to use dictate in a sentence. "Darla say my dictate good"

   All voicemails from my Dad start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with him trying to dial another number.

   A Baby Whirlpool Bathtub "With a calming whirlpool and massaging bubbles, your infant will enjoy a luxurious spa experience at home!" (Hey, you never know when a 5 month old may need to unwind.)

   Hillary and Barry Obama are going to have matching ankle braclets after federal prison.

   I received some good financial news today Muntabe, the African kid I was sponsoring was eaten by a lion

   I can't believe that United Air offered passengers $800.00 and a hotel stay to give up their seat and not one took them up on it.

   Number 1 reason people voted for Hillary Clinton - They couldnt figure out how to tell their parents they were gay.

   2 predictions - 1) CNN says Democrats have 98% chance of winning the 2020 presidential election. 2) Their wrong again.

   Daddy has a really, really big bomb.

   The pollen count is so high meth labs are busy trying to turn their meth back into Benadryl

   And then Satan said "put the alphabet in math"

   You can't buy happiness but you can buy weed and that is pretty close.

   4/21 Happy National Suprise Drug Test Day!

   Apparently today is Earth Day? I wish someone would have told me that before I went outside and cut millions of blades of grass in half and poisoned the yellow flowers in my yard. (actually, I would have done it anyway)

   People should only be allowed to take selfies as often as they renew there license.

   EPA/Science: If we dont do something about Water War, Food War, Ice Age, Acid Rain, Ozone, Over population, Solar Flares, Y2k, Cimate Change/Warming/Weather, we will be dead within 15 years.

   I'm going to celebrate Cinco de Mayo by puking tequila and gorditas on the side of a Taco Bell. i

   Cinco de Mayo makes me long for a world in which all holidays are conveniently named after the dates on which they fall.